标题: 評李白“靜夜思”33種英譯
海外逸士1





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发表于 2011-6-24 05:09 PM  资料  个人空间  短消息  加为好友 
評李白“靜夜思”33種英譯

床前明月光,疑是地上霜。舉頭望明月,低頭思故鄉。
(說明﹕唐代的床﹐不是現代的床﹐是指胡床﹐一種椅子。另一說是指井欄。所以
譯成BED的都錯了。詩以簡潔為佳。)
Nostalgia 思字本身並不一定指鄉思﹐雖然詩的內容是如此。所以詩題翻譯雖不算
錯﹐但不確切。
A splash of white on my bedroom floor. Hoarfrost?詩人並不一定在房內。問句
應放下句裡。
I raise my eyes to the moon, the same moon. 後半句多餘的
As scenes long past come to mind, my eyes fall again on the splash of white,
and my heart aches for home. 不知斷句在哪裡﹖這麼長就不像是詩句了
(翁顯良 譯)總評分﹕不及格
Quiet Night Thoughts
Moonlight before my bed,
Could it be frost instead? 原文不是問句
Head up, I watch the moon;舉頭﹐低頭譯得簡潔。
Head down, I think of home.
(趙甄陶 譯)乙等
Thoughts in the Still of the Night 太長
A pool of moonlight before the bed,
Took it to be frost on the ground. 整首不需用過去式
Raised my head to gaze at the moon,
And lowered it to think of home.
(任治稷、余正 譯)丙+
Thoughts in the Silent Night
Beside my bed a pool of light—BESIDE不妥
Is it hoarfrost on the ground? 原文不是問句
I lift my eyes and see the moon, 望月﹐不是見月。動詞用錯
I bend my head and think of home.
(楊憲益、戴乃迭 譯)丙等
In the still of the night “思”字漏譯
I descry bright moonlight in front of bed. 此句動詞不需要
I suspect it to be hoary frost on the floor.
I watch the bright moon, as I tilt back my head.
I yearn, while stooping, for my homeland more. 譯詩不夠簡潔
(徐忠杰 譯)丙等
A Tranquil Night “思”字漏譯
A bed, I see a silver light, 不確切
I wonder if It's frost around.
Looking up, I find the moon bright;
Bowing, in homesickness I'm drowned. 太誇張
(許淵沖 譯)丙等
Homesickness in a Silent Night
Before my bed the silver moonbeams spread—SILVER多餘
I wonder if it is the frost upon the ground.
I see the moon so bright when raising my head,
Withdrawing my eyes my nostalgia comes around. 譯詩不簡潔。Withdrawing my
eyes並非低頭之意。凡有錯﹐只能列丙等。
(屠笛、屠岸 譯)丙等
Still Night Thoughts
Moonlight in front of my bed —
I took it for frost on the ground!
I lift my eyes to watch the mountain moon, 原文沒“山”之意。I lift my eyes
不是舉頭之意
lower them and dream of home。lower them 不一定低頭。
(Burton Watson 譯)丙等
Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字
I wake, and moonbeams play around my bed, 原文無“醒”之意。around 也不確
Glittering like hoar-frost to my wandering eyes; 離原文太遠
Up towards the glorious moon I raise my head, 沒有GLORIOUS之意
Then lay me down—and thoughts of home arise。 lay me down 不是低頭。
(Herbert A. Giles 譯)丙等
On a Quiet Night “思”字漏譯
I saw the moonlight before my couch, 不知胡床是否像COUCH樣子。
And wondered if it were not the frost on the ground. 不簡潔
I raised my head and looked out on the mountain moon, 又是“山”﹖
I bowed my head and thought of my far-off home.
(S. Obata 譯)丙等
The Moon Shines Everywhere 亂譯
Seeing the Moon before my couch so bright 是月光﹐不是月
I thought hoar frost had fallen from the night. 不必也過去式
On her clear face I gaze with lifted eyes: HER詞意義不明
Then hide them full of Youth's sweet memories.亂譯
(W. J. B. Fletcher 譯)丁等
In the Quiet Night 漏譯“思”字
So bright a gleam on the foot of my bed—在床腳邊﹖
Could there have been a frost already? 原文不是問句
Lifting myself to look, I found that it was moonlight. 舉頭不是Lifting myself
Sinking back again, I thought suddenly of home.低頭不是Sinking back
(Witter Bynner 譯)丙等
Thoughts in a Tranquil Night
Athwart the bed 原文沒有ATHWART之意
I watch the moonbeams cast a trail 不確切
So bright, so cold, so frail,
That for a space it gleams
Like hoar-frost on the margin of my dreams. 亂譯
I raise my head,—
The splendid moon I see: 不是動詞SEE 見
Then droop my head,
And sink to dreams of thee—亂譯
My fatherland, of thee!四行短句豈能譯成這麼多行
(L. Cranmer-Byng 譯)丁等
Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字
In front of my bed the moonlight is very bright.
I wonder if that can be frost on the floor? 不是問句﹐不用問號。
I lift up my head and look at the full moon, the dazzling moon.後半部份多

I drop my head, and think of the home of old days. 後半部也多餘
(Amy Lowell 譯)丙等
Meditation in a Quiet Night 較確切
The moon shines brightly
In front of my bed. 邏輯錯誤﹕月亮不是在床前照耀
It was frost on the ground
I thought and said. 不能亂加己意
I gaze at the bright moon,
Raising my head.
I miss my native place
When I bend my head. 不應安排成八行
(唐一鶴 譯)丙等

Homesickness in a Quiet, Moonlit Night 題中不需有Moonlit 一詞
What bright beams are beside my bed in room!不簡潔。BESIDE﹖
Could on the ground there be the frost so soon? 原文不是問句
Lifting my head I see a big full moon, BIG  FULL 均多餘
Only to bend to think of my sweet home. BEND的不一定是頭﹐不確切  
(王大濂 譯)丙等

In the Quiet of the Night 漏譯“思”字
The ground before my bed presents a stretch of light, 不簡潔
Which seems to be a tract of frost that's pure and bright. 後半部多餘
I raise my head: a lonely moon is what I see; 動詞SEE不妥
I stoop, and homesickness is crying loud in me!
(卓振英、劉筱華 譯)丙等
Home-Thoughts on a Quiet Night﹐ HOME多餘

The bright moonlight ahead of my bed﹐ AHEAD 在這裡是什麼意思﹖
I take for a frost layer on ground.
I look at the moon, raising my head;
Lowering it, I think of my homeland. 後三行較簡潔﹐
(陳君朴 譯)丙+
Thoughts on a Quiet Evening 用NIGHT較好
The floor is flooded with moonlight 漏譯“床前”
Frost covered the old earth like that 動詞過去式用錯
I gaze at the moon 漏譯“舉頭”
Shimmering in a dark hour 整行多餘
Sad and homesick
I bow down my head 分行不妥
(王守義、約翰· 諾弗爾 譯)丙等
Longing in the Night 思念不是渴望
Before the bed shone the bright moonlight at hand, AT  HAND多餘
I fancied it was frost on the ground.
I raised my head to look at the bright moon,
And lowered my head to think of my native land. 整首不需要用過去式
(張炳星 譯)丙等
Meditation on a Quiet Night
I see the moonlight shining on my couch. 是“床前”﹐不是床上
Can it be that frost has fallen? 原文不是問句
I lift my head and watch the mountain moon, 無“山”之意
Then my head droops in meditation of earth. EARTH 不是故鄉
(Robert Payne  譯)丙等
Thoughts in a Still Night 確切
The luminous moonshine before my bed,
Is thought to be the frost fallen on the ground. 太長
I lift my head to gaze at the cliff moon, 不需要CLIFF 一詞
And then bow down to muse on my distant home. 不簡潔
(孫大雨 譯)丙+
Musings on a Quiet Night 確切
The bright moonlight near my cot﹐
Seemed to me like white ground frost. 不應用過去式。WHITE多餘
I looked up to gaze at the moon;動詞重複
I looked down to think of home. LOOK DOWN並非低頭
(龔景浩 譯)丙等
Homesick on a Quiet Night 不確切

Flooded is my bedside by the moonlight, 表達不妥
On the floor it looks like some fresh frost. 不簡潔
I look up and see the moon shine so bright, 動詞SEE不對
Hanging my head, in nostalgia I'm lost.
(刑全臣 譯)丙等
Quiet Night Thoughts
Before my bed a moonlight land, LAND如是動詞﹐需加S
I thought frost had come on the sand. 應是現在虛擬式。SAND用錯
Head raised, I gaze at the bright moon;
Head bowed, I think of my homeland.
(施穎洲 譯)丙+
Thoughts on a Silent Night 確切

A gleam of light streams down over my bed, 要確指月光。OVER不對
I wonder if it's the frost on the ground.
Raising my eyes, I gaze at the bright moon, 抬眼不一定是舉頭。
Lowering my head, I miss home town.
(黃新渠 譯)丙等
Nocturnal Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字
The moonlight streaming to my bed—TO用錯
Frost-laid, methinks, the earth does loom. 自己寫詩﹐這句不錯﹐但這是翻譯
I see the moon, on raising my head, 動詞SEE不妥
And bowing, I think of old home. OLD多餘
(林同濟 譯)丙等
Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字
The bright moon shines on the bed foot around,不確切﹐ON用錯﹐不需FOOT﹐
  ROUND
Can it be instead the frost on the ground? 原文非問句
Lifting my head, I look at the bright moon;
Dropping it, I think of my homeland soon. SOON多餘
(劉重德 譯)丙等
Thinking in a Silent Evening用NIGHT較確切
Before my bed sheds the silver moonlight, SILVER多餘
As if it were frost on the ground, I doubt.
I raise my eyes, the moon appearing bright, 不確切
I hang my head, homesickness gushing out. 不確切
(楊紀鶴 譯)丙等
Homesickness in Silent Night 漏譯“靜”字
Seeing the moonbeams by couch so light, 不確切
I wonder if it's frosting aground.
Gazing on the clear moon shining bright, 漏譯“舉頭”
In homesickness I'm deeply drowned. 漏譯“低頭”
丙等
Night Thoughts漏譯“靜”字

Before my bed there is bright moonlight,
So that it seems like frost on the ground. SO  THAT多餘
Lifting my head I watch the bright moon,
Lowering my head I dream that I'm home. 不確切
(Arthur Cooper 譯)丙等

Brooding in the Still Night 不錯

Bright moonlight before my bed.
At first I think the floor is all frost. AT  FIRST多餘
I gaze up at the mountain moon, GAZE  UP不一定是舉頭。沒有“山”之意。
then drop my head in a dream of home. 不確切
(Tony Barnstone, Willis Barnstone, and Chou Ping 譯)丙等
Thoughts on a Quiet Night 不錯
Before my bed the light is so bright﹐LIGHT不等於月光
it looks like a layer of frost
lifting my head I gaze at the moon
lying back down I think of home。lying back down不是低頭
(Red Pine 譯)丙等
本人認為可作如下翻譯﹕
Thinking (Musing, Pondering) in a Quiet Night
The bright moonlight before the chair
I take for frost on the floor.
Raising my head, I watch the bright moon; (I raise my head, watching the
bright moon
Bowing my head, I think of my homeland.   (I bow my head, thinking of my
homeland.)
或許有人會問﹕那麼甲等標準是什麼。應該簡潔達意﹐用詞到位﹐不能增減原文意
思﹐最好能押韻。有時要押韻﹐還非得有所增減才行。難就難在這裡。如果把我翻
譯的第三第四行裡的head短語移放到句末去﹐利用head一詞押韻﹐但讀上去非常不
自然﹐不可取。如果在head短語前加when﹐成 I watch the bright moon, when raising
my head; 但原文裡沒有when 的意思。

[ 本帖最后由 海外逸士1 于 2011-6-25 06:42 AM 编辑 ]

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