标题: 評析詩詞古文不同譯本
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評析詩詞古文不同譯本

1) 評四位大師對李清照“聲聲慢”的翻譯

尋尋覓覓,冷冷清清,凄凄慘慘戚戚。乍暖還寒時候,最難將息。三杯兩盞淡酒,怎敵他、晚來風急?雁過也,正傷心,卻是舊時相識。 滿地黃花堆積。憔悴損,如今有誰堪摘?守著窗儿, 獨自怎生得黑?梧桐更兼細雨,到黃昏、點點滴滴。這次第,怎一個、愁字了得!


林語堂博士譯作:

Slow slow tune (Li Qingzhao )

So dim, so dark,/So dense, so dull,/So damp, so dank,/So dead!/The weather, now warm, now cold,/Makes it harder than ever to forget!/How can thin wine and bread/Serve as protection/Against the piercing wind of sunset!/Wild geese pass over head/That they are familiar/Lets it more lamentable yet!/The ground is strewn with staid/And withered petals/For whom now should they be vase set?/By the window shut,/Guarding it along,/To see the sky has turned so black!/And on the cola nut/To hear the drizzle drown/At dust: Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat!/Is this a mood and moment/Only to be called sad?

評﹕雖然用了七個 D開頭的詞﹐乍一看很雷人的﹐但與原文開頭三短句毫無關係。now warm, now cold是時暖時寒﹐不是乍暖還寒。Makes it harder than ever to forget是“最難將息”之意嗎﹖bread中國那時有麵包嗎﹖下面的意思還能搭得上界﹐不予置評了。但也不敢恭維。


楊憲益教授夫婦譯本:

Seeking, seeking, Chilly and quiet, Desolate, painful and miserable.

Even when it's warmer there is still a chill It is most difficult to keep well.

Three or two cups of light wine, How can they ward off the strong

Wild geese fly past, while I'm broken-hearted; But I recoze they are my old friends.

Fallen chrysanthemums piled up on the ground, So witheredWho would pluck them up now?

Leaning on the window, How can I pass the time till night alone?

The drizzle falls on the wutong trees, Raindrops drip down at dusk.

At a time like this, What immense sorrow I must bear!

評﹕Chilly把“冷”字直譯了。但這裡是“冷清”之意。to keep well將息﹖ the strong並不一定指wind。可能掉詞了。總之﹐比林譯較達意。


許淵沖譯本:

I look for what I miss; I know not what it is. I feel so sad, so drear, So lonely, without cheer.

How hard is it To keep me fit In this lingering cold!

By cup on cup Of wine so dry Oh, how could I Endure at dusk the drift Of wind so swift?

It breaks my heart, alas, To see the wild geese pass, For they are my acquaintances of old.

The ground is covered with yellow flowers, Fadedand fallen in showers./Who will pick them up now?

Sitting alone at the window, how Could I but quicken The pace of darkness that won't thicken?

On plane's broad leaves a fine rain drizzles As twilight grizzles.

Oh, what can I do with a grief Beyond belief!

評﹕首三句翻譯達不到原文開頭三句的氣勢。後面基本只能算是意譯。雖然沒押韻﹐但用了不少中間韻。總之﹐讀上去很鬆散。


徐中杰譯本:

I've a sense of something missing I must seek./Everything about me looks dismal and bleak./

Nothing that gives me pleasure, I can find./Even the weather has proved most unkind./

It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again./An unbroken rest most difficult to obtain./

Three cups of thin wine would utterly fail./To cope with the rising evening gale./

Myself, into woe, a flight of wild geese has thrown./But with them, very familiar I have grown./

About the ground, cluysandiernums are bestrewn./Gathering into heaps——bruised——withering soon./With myself in utter misery and gloom,/Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?/Standing by the window-watching in anguish stark,/Could I bear alone the sight until it is dark?/Against the tung and plane trees, the wind rises high./The drizzle becomes trickles, as even draws nigh./How, in the word "Miserable", can one find-/The total effects of all these on the mind!

評﹕首四句與原文出入較大。It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again完全曲解原意。bruised放在這裡﹐不知什麼意思。如說譯“損”字﹐“損”在憔悴後面﹐不在這裡。Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?原文無此意。watching in anguish stark原文無此意。 the wind rises high原文無此意。


總評﹕按此次序----楊﹑林﹑許﹑徐﹐似乎每況愈下。所以評詩文﹐先要看詩文本身如何﹐別管它們是誰所作。如果有人一看名字就大聲叫好﹐而實際上並不怎麼好時﹐豈不有拍馬之嫌﹖至少反映出自身水平不夠評論資格。即是說﹐在瞎評。

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2) 評李白“靜夜思”33種英譯

床前明月光,疑是地上霜。舉頭望明月,低頭思故鄉。

(說明﹕唐代的床﹐不是現代的床﹐是指胡床﹐一種椅子。另一說是指井欄。所以譯成BED的都錯了。詩以簡潔為佳。)




Nostalgia 思字本身並不一定指鄉思﹐雖然詩的內容是如此。所以詩題翻譯雖不算錯﹐但不確切。

A splash of white on my bedroom floor. Hoarfrost?詩人並不一定在房內。問句應放下句裡。

I raise my eyes to the moon, the same moon. 後半句多餘的

As scenes long past come to mind, my eyes fall again on the splash of white, and my heart aches for home. 不知斷句在哪裡﹖這麼長就不像是詩句了

(翁顯良 譯)總評分﹕不及格




Quiet Night Thoughts

Moonlight before my bed,

Could it be frost instead? 原文不是問句

Head up, I watch the moon; 舉頭﹐低頭譯得簡潔。

Head down, I think of home.

(趙甄陶 譯)乙等




Thoughts in the Still of the Night 太長

A pool of moonlight before the bed,

Took it to be frost on the ground. 整首不需用過去式

Raised my head to gaze at the moon,

And lowered it to think of home.

(任治稷、余正 譯)丙+




Thoughts in the Silent Night

Beside my bed a pool of light—BESIDE不妥

Is it hoarfrost on the ground? 原文不是問句

I lift my eyes and see the moon,

I bend my head and think of home.

(楊憲益、戴乃迭 譯)乙等




In the still of the night “思”字漏譯

I descry bright moonlight in front of bed. 此句動詞不需要

I suspect it to be hoary frost on the floor.

I watch the bright moon, as I tilt back my head.

I yearn, while stooping, for my homeland more. 譯詩不夠簡潔

(徐忠杰 譯)丙+




A Tranquil Night “思”字漏譯

A bed, I see a silver light, 不確切

I wonder if It's frost around.

Looking up, I find the moon bright;

Bowing, in homesickness I'm drowned. 太誇張

(許淵沖 譯)丙+




Homesickness in a Silent Night

Before my bed the silver moonbeams spread—SILVER多餘

I wonder if it is the frost upon the ground.

I see the moon so bright when raising my head,

Withdrawing my eyes my nostalgia comes around. 譯詩不簡潔。Withdrawing my eyes並非低頭之意。凡有錯﹐只能列丙等。

(屠笛、屠岸 譯)丙等




Still Night Thoughts

Moonlight in front of my bed —

I took it for frost on the ground!

I lift my eyes to watch the mountain moon, 原文沒“山”之意。lift eyes 不一定舉頭

lower them and dream of home。 lower eyes 不一定低頭

(Burton Watson 譯)丙等




Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字

I wake, and moonbeams play around my bed, 原文無“醒”之意。around 也不確

Glittering like hoar-frost to my wandering eyes; 離原文太遠

Up towards the glorious moon I raise my head, 沒有GLORIOUS之意

Then lay me down—and thoughts of home arise。 lay me down 不是低頭。

(Herbert A. Giles 譯)丙-




On a Quiet Night “思”字漏譯

I saw the moonlight before my couch, 不知胡床是否像COUCH樣子

And wondered if it were not the frost on the ground. 不簡潔

I raised my head and looked out on the mountain moon, 又是“山”﹖

I bowed my head and thought of my far-off home.

(S. Obata 譯)丙等




The Moon Shines Everywhere 亂譯

Seeing the Moon before my couch so bright 是月光﹐不是月

I thought hoar frost had fallen from the night. 不必過去式

On her clear face I gaze with lifted eyes: HER詞意義不明

Then hide them full of Youth's sweet memories.亂譯

(W. J. B. Fletcher 譯)丁等




In the Quiet Night 漏譯“思”字

So bright a gleam on the foot of my bed—在床腳邊﹖

Could there have been a frost already? 原文不是問句

Lifting myself to look, I found that it was moonlight. 舉頭不是Lifting myself

Sinking back again, I thought suddenly of home.低頭不是Sinking back

(Witter Bynner 譯)丙-




Thoughts in a Tranquil Night

Athwart the bed 原文沒有ATHWART之意

I watch the moonbeams cast a trail 不確切

So bright, so cold, so frail,

That for a space it gleams

Like hoar-frost on the margin of my dreams. 亂譯

I raise my head,—

The splendid moon I see:

Then droop my head,

And sink to dreams of thee—亂譯

My fatherland, of thee!四行短句豈能譯成這麼多行

(L. Cranmer-Byng 譯)丁等




Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字

In front of my bed the moonlight is very bright.

I wonder if that can be frost on the floor? 不是問句

I lift up my head and look at the full moon, the dazzling moon.最後部份多餘

I drop my head, and think of the home of old days. 最後部份也多餘

(Amy Lowell 譯)丙等




Meditation in a Quiet Night 較確切

The moon shines brightly

In front of my bed. 邏輯錯誤﹕月亮不是在床前照耀

It was frost on the ground 為什麼這句要過去時﹖

I thought and said. 不能亂加己意

I gaze at the bright moon,

Raising my head.

I miss my native place

When I bend my head. 不應安排成八行

(唐一鶴 譯)丙-


Homesickness in a Quiet, Moonlit Night 題中不需有Moonlit 一詞

What bright beams are beside my bed in room!不簡潔。BESIDE﹖

Could on the ground there be the frost so soon? 原文不是問句

Lifting my head I see a big full moon, BIG FULL 均多餘

Only to bend to think of my sweet home. BEND的不一定是頭﹐不確切

(王大濂 譯)丙等


In the Quiet of the Night 漏譯“思”字

The ground before my bed presents a stretch of light, 不簡潔

Which seems to be a tract of frost that's pure and bright. 後半部多餘

I raise my head: a lonely moon is what I see;

I stoop, and homesickness is crying loud in me!

(卓振英、劉筱華 譯)丙等




Home-Thoughts on a Quiet Night﹐ HOME多餘

The bright moonlight ahead of my bed﹐ AHEAD 在這裡是什麼意思﹖

I take for a frost layer on ground.

I look at the moon, raising my head;

Lowering it, I think of my homeland. 後三行較簡潔﹐

(陳君朴 譯)乙-




Thoughts on a Quiet Evening 用NIGHT較好

The floor is flooded with moonlight 漏譯“床前”

Frost covered the old earth like that 動詞過去式用錯

I gaze at the moon 漏譯“舉頭”

Shimmering in a dark hour 整行多餘

Sad and homesick

I bow down my head 分行不妥

(王守義、約翰ܨ諾弗爾 譯)丙-




Longing in the Night 思念不是渴望

Before the bed shone the bright moonlight at hand, AT HAND多餘

I fancied it was frost on the ground.

I raised my head to look at the bright moon,

And lowered my head to think of my native land. 整首不需要用過去式

(張炳星 譯)丙等




Meditation on a Quiet Night

I see the moonlight shining on my couch. 是“床前”﹐不是床上

Can it be that frost has fallen? 原文不是問句

I lift my head and watch the mountain moon, 無“山”之意

Then my head droops in meditation of earth. EARTH 不是故鄉

(Robert Payne 譯)丙等




Thoughts in a Still Night 確切

The luminous moonshine before my bed,

Is thought to be the frost fallen on the ground. 太長

I lift my head to gaze at the cliff moon, 不需要CLIFF 一詞

And then bow down to muse on my distant home. 不簡潔

(孫大雨 譯)乙-




Musings on a Quiet Night 確切

The bright moonlight near my cot﹐

Seemed to me like white ground frost. 不應用過去式。WHITE多餘

I looked up to gaze at the moon;動詞重複

I looked down to think of home. LOOK DOWN並非低頭

(龔景浩 譯)丙等




Homesick on a Quiet Night 不確切

Flooded is my bedside by the moonlight, 表達不妥

On the floor it looks like some fresh frost. 不簡潔

I look up and see the moon shine so bright,

Hanging my head, in nostalgia I'm lost.

(刑全臣 譯)丙等




Quiet Night Thoughts

Before my bed a moonlight land, LAND如是動詞﹐需加S

I thought frost had come on the sand. 應是現在虛擬式。SAND用錯

Head raised, I gaze at the bright moon;

Head bowed, I think of my homeland.

(施穎洲 譯)丙-




Thoughts on a Silent Night 確切

A gleam of light streams down over my bed, 要確指月光。OVER不對

I wonder if it's the frost on the ground.

Raising my eyes, I gaze at the bright moon, 抬眼不一定是舉頭。

Lowering my head, I miss home town.

(黃新渠 譯)丙等




Nocturnal Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字

The moonlight streaming to my bed—TO用錯

Frost-laid, methinks, the earth does loom. 自己寫詩﹐這句不錯﹐但這是翻譯

I see the moon, on raising my head,

And bowing, I think of old home.

(林同濟 譯)丙+




Night Thoughts 漏譯“靜”字

The bright moon shines on the bed foot around,不確切﹐ON用錯﹐不需FOOT﹐ AROUND

Can it be instead the frost on the ground? 原文非問句

Lifting my head, I look at the bright moon;

Dropping it, I think of my homeland soon. SOON多餘

(劉重德 譯)丙等




Thinking in a Silent Evening用NIGHT較確切

Before my bed sheds the silver moonlight, SILVER多餘

As if it were frost on the ground, I doubt.

I raise my eyes, the moon appearing bright, 不確切

I hang my head, homesickness gushing out. 不確切

(楊紀鶴 譯)丙等




Homesickness in Silent Night 漏譯“靜”字

Seeing the moonbeams by couch so light, 不確切

I wonder if it's frosting aground.

Gazing on the clear moon shining bright, 漏譯“舉頭”

In homesickness I'm deeply drowned. 漏譯“低頭”

(translator unknown) 丙等




Night Thoughts漏譯“靜”字

Before my bed there is bright moonlight,

So that it seems like frost on the ground. SO THAT多餘

Lifting my head I watch the bright moon,

Lowering my head I dream that I'm home. 不確切

(Arthur Cooper 譯)丙等


Brooding in the Still Night 不錯

Bright moonlight before my bed.

At first I think the floor is all frost. AT FIRST多餘

I gaze up at the mountain moon, GAZE UP不一定是舉頭。沒有“山”之意。

then drop my head in a dream of home. 不確切

(Tony Barnstone, Willis Barnstone, and Chou Ping 譯)丙等




Thoughts on a Quiet Night 不錯

Before my bed the light is so bright﹐LIGHT不等於月光

it looks like a layer of frost

lifting my head I gaze at the moon

lying back down I think of home。 lying back down不是低頭

(Red Pine 譯)丙等




本人認為可作如下翻譯﹕

Thinking (Musing, Pondering) in a Quiet Night

The bright moonlight before the chair

I take for frost on the floor.

Raising my head, I watch the bright moon; (I raise my head, watching the bright moon

Bowing my head, I think of my homeland. (I bow my head, thinking of my homeland.)




或許有人會問﹕那麼甲等標準是什麼。應該簡潔達意﹐用詞到位﹐不能增減原文意思﹐最好能押韻。有時要押韻﹐還非得有所增減才行。難就難在這裡。如果把我翻譯的第三第四行裡的head短語移放到句末去﹐利用head一詞押韻﹐但讀上去非常不自然﹐不可取。如果在head短語前加when﹐成 I watch the bright moon, when raising my head; 但原文裡沒有when 的意思。

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3) 評王之渙“登鸛雀樓”14種英譯﹕

白日依山盡﹐黃河入海流。欲窮千里目﹐更上一層樓。

(“依山盡”要譯出意境較難。下面翻譯裡﹐譯不出這意境的不是好譯。從下面譯例看﹐“依山”基本上都譯成在山後面或那邊。只有一例動詞基本達意﹐但還不最確切。見下面分析。這首詩基本語言接近白話﹐在譯古人詩詞裡﹐應該沒有語言困難。但為什麼絕大多數都沒譯好呢﹖這就與英文表達水平有關﹐與英文的深度廣度有關。我發現許多人學英文﹐沒有鑽到深度裡去。大部份停留在大陸架上。所以譯不出“依山”的意境。我的經驗和體會是﹕拿到古詩詞﹐先把語言困難弄清楚﹐隨後閉目遐思﹐在腦中構成詩的場景﹐再用文字確切地表達。至於確切優美與否﹐就決定於文字功力的深淺了。)


Climbing White Stork Tower--WHITE一詞多餘

The midday sun slips behind mountains 白日將盡﹐居然說MIDDAY。大錯

The Yellow River turns for the sea

Trying to see for a thousand miles

I climb one more story 譯得馬馬虎虎

(Bill Porter) 丙-



An Ascent to Stork Hall--HALL有樓之意嗎﹖

The setting sun behind the mountains glows, 依山﹐不是在山後

The muddy Yellow River seawards flows.--MUDDY多餘

If more distant views are what you desire, 不簡潔

You simply climb up a storey higher.

(徐忠杰)丙等




On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出

The sun beyond the mountains glows; 依山﹐不是在山那邊

The Yellow River seawards flows.

You can enjoy a grander sight 千里沒譯出

By climbing to a greater height.一層沒譯出

(許淵沖) 丙-




On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出

The mountain is eating away the setting sun; 這個譯法別致﹐是依山的意境嗎﹖但依山表示的是靜態﹐eating away 是動態。

Going seawards the Yellow River is on the run.--GOING﹐ON THE RUN﹐意思重複

If you desire to have a good and boundless sight, 是千里﹐不是boundless﹐good多餘

Come to the upper storey, by climbing one more flight!前後兩部份意思重複

(吳鈞陶) 丙等




Upward譯題不對

Westward the sun, ending the day's journey in a slow descent behind the mountains. 不簡潔。依山﹐只能譯成BEHIND嗎﹖

Eastward the Yellow River, emptying into the sea.

To look beyond, unto the farthest horizon,--HORIZON已經在地球盡頭了﹐不需farthest 一詞﹐BEYOND多餘

Upward! Up another storey!

(翁顯良)丙等




On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出

As daylight fades away along the hill, 意思與原文出入太大

The Yellow River flows into the sea. 這句確切

To look for views of a thousand li away,--AWAY多餘

Go mounting another storey of the Tower--GO多餘

(Translator unknown)丙等




題缺

The white sun sets behind mountains.依山未譯出﹐BEHIND不妥

The yellow River flows into the sea.這句確切﹐但Y 沒大寫

Go further up one flight of stairs.

And you'll widen your view a thousand Li.意思不錯﹐句序顛倒了

(雅紫軒)丙-




AT HERON LODGE題錯譯

Mountains cover the white sun, 知道動詞COVER的意思嗎﹖大錯

And oceans drain the golden river黃﹐不是金色

But you widen your view three hundred miles 千里﹐不是三百。BUT不妥

By going up one flight of stairs.

(Translator unknown)丁等




On the stork tower登字是動詞﹐沒譯出

The sun along the mountain bows; BOW不是依山之意。ALONG在這裡什麼意思﹖

The yellow river seawards flows.

You will enjoy a grander sight;千里沒譯出

By climbing to a greater height.一層沒譯出

(Translator unknown)丙等




Ascends the stork building題中動詞不需S﹐名詞要大寫

Leaning on the mountains splendidly is the sinking sun--SPLENDIDLY多餘。LEANING雖有依的意思﹐並非上選﹐因含傾斜概念

Inpouring the ocean sublimely is the golden river--INPOURING非動詞。SUBLIMELY多餘。黃﹐不是金色

Craving to exhaust the thousand-mile prospect is your love太嚕囌

And you'll widen your view a thousand Li. THOUSAND重複

(小琪)丙等




Stepping up the Stork-Watchtower這個樓是Watchtower嗎﹖

The hilltop kissing the setting-sun, 依山盡﹐不是在山頂

The Yellow River flows to the ocean.

Stepping up a still higher building, 一層樓﹐不是building

You may enjoy the far sightseeing. 句序顛倒。千里未譯出

(朱曼華)丙等




Ascending Guanque Tower

The white sun behind the mountain falls,--FALL動作太快了吧。BEHIND不妥

The Yellow River into the seas flows.只有這句較確切

In order to take in a boundless view, 是千里﹐不是boundless

Ascend another floor.

(任治稷、余正)丙+




Ascending the Heron Tower--HERON不是鸛雀

The sun behind the western hills glows,--GLOW不是依山。BEHIND不妥。

And toward the sea the Yellow River flows.入海﹐不是TOWARD

Wish you an endless view to cheer your eyes? 千里﹐不是endless。後半部份多餘

Then one more story mount and higher rise.重複

(蔡廷干)丙-




Atop the Stork Pavilion Lookout譯題不確切

From the pavilion one sees the sun setting behind the mountains,不確切﹐又嚕囌

Unrelentingly towards the sea the Yellow River flows;入海不是TOWARDS﹐Unrelentingly多餘

In order to see thousands of miles further afield,

To a higher level one must go.

(南緯28°) 丙等




(說明﹕以上各譯文是從網上錄下﹐如有謬誤﹐請知者告之以便更正。)




本人譯如下﹕

Up On Stork Tower

The setting sun clings to hill's knees,--CLING有依偎之意﹐日落將盡﹐應在山坡處﹐也可用SLOPE

And Yellow River flows to seas.

If wish for longer view over a thousand miles,

Then get on floor above.

現在換種譯法﹕

The setting sun clings to the hillside,

The Yellow River flows into the sea.

If wish for a sight over a thousand li,

Then go up on one more floor.

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4) 評孟浩然“春曉”26種英譯﹕

春眠不覺曉﹐處處聞啼鳥。夜來風雨聲﹐花落知多少﹖

(翻譯原則是要簡潔確切達意﹐才是水平。別人要用8個詞翻譯的一句﹐你能用7個詞譯出來﹐你的水平比別人高。你能用6個詞確切達意地譯出來﹐你的水平更高。別看少一個詞﹐其難度不是多一個層次。而隨意翻譯﹐學過幾年英文的人就能做到﹐何須由自稱是翻譯家者來做。隨意翻譯實際上是在另一種語言裡的改寫﹐不是翻譯。)


A Morning in Spring

In spring I sleep unaware morning is here;不簡潔

Ah from far and near trilling songbirds I hear.--AH多餘

In the pitter patter of wind and rain last night,--LAST NIGHT是昨夜﹐不是一夜

How many blossoms fallen? Not few, I fear﹗後半部多餘。

(黃宏發)丙等




Spring Morn

Spring slumbers unaware of morn, 這像中文說法

All around one hears the birds' call.

Last night, the sound of wind and rain, 昨夜不是一夜。結構有缺陷

How many fallen flowers accounted for?

(任治稷、余正)丙等




A Spring Morning

I awake light-hearted this morning of spring,--HIGH-LIGHTED多餘

Everywhere round me the singing of birds—ROUND ME多餘

But now I remember the night, the storm,

And I wonder how many blossoms were broken.-- I 一詞可省

(Witter Bynner、江亢虎)丙等




Dawning in the Spring

I slept soundly in the spring,春眠。SOUNDLY多餘

Unconscious of the day dawning.不覺曉

漏譯“處處聞啼鳥”。

In the night I heard the sound of wind and rain,

I don't know how many flowers have fallen.

(張炳星)丁等




A Spring Morning

This morning of spring in bed I'm lying. “不覺”漏譯

Not woke up till I hear birds crying. “處處”沒譯

After a night of wind and showers--SHOWER是否時間較短﹖

How many are the fallen flowers?

另一譯文﹕

Spring Morning

Easily overslept is spring morning!不確切

There are birds around me singing.--AROUND ME不是處處

The wind blew with a little rain last night,--昨夜不是一夜。A LITTLE RAIN﹖

And how many flowers be beaten might!

(許淵沖)丙等




Spring Morning

I wake up late after dawn in spring,“不覺”沒譯。LATE多餘

And hear birds everywhere singing;

But the noise of wind and rain worried me:--WORRIES ME多餘

How many flowers beaten last night might be!--LAST NIGHT放錯地方

另一譯文﹕

I waking up from the early spring morning,--I 後應該用WAKE

The song of the birds helps me rise.錯譯

For last night the storms meant disaster,

And how many things were lost to its wrath?是花﹐不是THINGS

(徐東逸﹐許之外孫﹐當時乃美國小學六年級學生)孩子翻譯不評分




One Morning in Spring

Late? This spring morning as I awake I know, 不確切

All around me the birds are crying,crying.不確切

The storm last night,I sensed its fury.也不確切

How many, I wonder, are fallen, poor dear flowers? 不確切

(translator unknown)丙-




Spring Morning

I woke up when a spring morning was almost gone, 錯譯。剛曉﹐不是GONE

And from all sides each bird sings a merry song.不確切

Last night the rain spattered and wind blustered; 昨夜不是一夜

I wonder how many flowers have fallen down.

(陳君朴)丙-




Spring Morning

The spring morning comes before I realize--“眠”沒譯

Birds are heard singing all around

Wind and rain come and go during the night

No one knows how many flowers have fallen down不簡潔

(嚴驍)丙+




Spring Morning

Asleep, senseless of spring morning, 是春眠﹐不是春晨

I heard birds everywhere singing.

The stormy night made so much noise, 後半不需要

How many flowers dropped, who knows?

(朱曼華)丙等




Spring dawn

Sleeping not knowing it's morning. “春”在哪裡﹖

Birds are singing here and there.

Sounds of raining and winding came, “一夜”漏譯

I wonder how many fallen flowers are there.

(translator unknown)丙等




Spring Dream 不是春夢

Dream in spring morning never breaks 不是原文意思

but birds talk vocally around my place 不確切。VOCALLY多餘

They say the fallen flowers everywhere 錯譯

Because last night wind and rain staying late 也錯譯。句序顛倒

(Danielbox )丁等




In spring “曉”字漏譯

One sleeps and wakes up to find it is already day, 不簡潔

Hear birds singing everywhere. 應該用HEARS﹐接上句主語ONE

Patter of rain of wind comes at night, 不能說of rain of wind

How much does the flower know to fall? 意思不對

(translator unknown)丙-




Waken on A Spring Morning 原文題中沒有WAKEN之意

I can barely wake up in spring slumber, 錯譯

As the chirping of birds is heard there and here.

Last night came a stormy rain, 昨夜不是一夜

To try to count the fallen petals would be in vain. 不確切

(translator unknown)丙-




At Dream in Spring 無“夢”之意﹐沒譯“曉”

Slept so well I didn't know it was dawn 沒譯“春”

birds singing in every countyard woke me up 錯譯

the wind and rain troubled my dream last night 不確切

I think of all those petals swept to the ground 不確切

(translator unknown)丁等




Spring Morning

I slept so well, not knowing spring dawn's here, 不確切

Awakened by birds singing everywhere. 錯譯

All through last night there were strong winds and showers. 不是SHOWER

Do you know the number of fallen flowers?

(translator unknown)丙-




In drowsy spring I slept until daybreak, --DROWSY﹐SLEPT重複

When the birds cry here and there, I awake。 後半多餘

Last night l heard a sound of wind and rain。 昨夜不是一夜

How many blossoms have fallen again?原文沒AGAIN之意

(translator unknown)丙等




The Spring Dawn

Slumbering, I know not the spring dawn is peeping.不確切

But everywhere the singing birds are cheeping.重複

Last night I heard the rain dripping and the wind weeping.不確切

How many petals were now on the ground sleeping.譯過頭了

(載郭著章、傅惠生編《千家詩》英漢對照)丙等




Spring Dawn

Oversleeping in spring I missed the dawn;不覺﹖

Now everywhere the cries of birds are heard.

Tumult of wind and rain had filled the night---

How many blossoms fell during the storm?後半意思不在原文裡

(張廷琛、魏博思)丙等




At Dawn in Spring--AT多餘

Spring has risers fewer at dawn不知所云

While notes of birds are heard around.

After a stormy night, the morn

Finds fallen flowers strewn aground!不確切

(translator unknown) 丙等




Buds found shaken in Spring morning前半多餘

Day has now broken,

My dream unwoven.

But Spring is now here

And birds' cry so clear.

Had I not slept so sound

A sleep and snored,

I should have known

How it had blown

And it had poured.亂譯。不知所云

(bj譯 )丁等




A Morn in Spring

It's after dawn when I awoke this morn in spring;不確切

Then everywhere around me I heard birds all sing.太嚕囌

I now recall the sound of big storm late at night;--LATE原文沒有

How many flowers would have been blown to ground in sight?--IN SIGHT多餘

(王大濂)丙等




Spring Dawn

Spring morn dawns; yet in sound sleep I'm not aware不確切

Upon waking up, I hear many a bird sing everywhere.前半不在原文裡

The wind blows and raindrops patter through the night

O, who knows how many fallen petals will be in sight!--O多餘。IN SIGHT原文沒有

(Yuntian)丙等




Spring Morning

Spring morning arrives unnoticed in my slumber, 春眠﹐不是春晨

Till I hear birds twittering everywhere.--TILL多餘

It springs to mind a storm raged through overnight, 不需前半。THROUGH多餘

Off it blew how many flowers I wonder?

(南緯28°) 丙等




本人譯文﹕

Dawn in Spring

Sleep in spring, unaware of dawning﹔

Then hear birds everywhere sing。

As sounded the wind and rain overnight﹐

I wonder how many blossoms alight。

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5) 評孟浩然《宿建德江》15種英譯﹕

移舟泊煙渚,日暮客愁新。 野曠天低樹,江清月近人。

(這次翻譯以外國人的居多﹐看看外國人是怎麼譯的。特別請注意句子是否完整。如果外國人能譯成不完整句子﹐說明不完整句子是不錯的。希望以後討論能達到一定水平。不能按低水平來討論較深的問題。)


Night on the Great River 是建德江。“宿”字漏譯

Steering my little boat towards a misty islet, “泊”字漏譯

I watch the sun descend while my sorrows grow: 原文沒有“我看”之意。“新”字漏譯。

In the vast night the sky hangs lower than the treetops, 理解錯誤。低於樹﹐天在哪裡了﹖NIGHT 多餘。

But in the blue lake the moon is coming close. “人”字漏譯。

(Carlos Williams)丁等




Night on the Great River 是建德江。“宿”字漏譯

We anchor the boat alongside a hazy island. “移”字漏譯

As the sun sets I am overwhelmed with nostalgia. “客愁”未必是“鄉愁”。

The plain stretches away without limit.

The sky is just above the tree tops. 應該是一行

The river flows quietly by.

The moon comes down amongst men. 是“近人”

(Kenneth Rexroth)丙-




Mooring on Chien-te River 停泊不等於宿

The boat rocks at anchor by the misty island 原文沒搖動之意。“移”字漏譯

Sunset, my loneliness comes again. 錯譯

In these vast wilds the sky arches down to the trees. 於原文表達有出入﹐但還可以

In the clear river water, the moon draws near. “人”字漏譯

(Gary Snyder) 丁等




Passing the Night on a River in Jiande 不簡潔

I guide my boat to mooring by a misty islet, 要麼TO THE MOORING﹐作名詞﹐要麼去掉-ING。

With the setting sun, a traveler's sorrows revive.

Wilds so vast, the sky stoops to the trees; 於原文表達有出入﹐但還可以

The river so clear, moon close to man. 注意這句沒謂語。MOON前也沒THE。按某些人理解﹐都是語法錯誤。

(Paul Kroll )丙等




未找到譯題

I steer my boat to anchor by the mist-clad river﹐“渚”未譯

And mourn the dying day that brings me nearer to my fate. 錯譯

Across the woodland wild I see the sky lean on the trees ,前半譯錯﹐後半於原文表達有出入﹐但還可以。

While close to hand the mirror moon floats on the shining streams. 不簡潔。意思有出入。

(Herbert A. Giles) (1898)丁+




未找到譯題

Our boat by the mist-covered islet we tied. “移”字漏譯

The sorrows of absence the sunset brings back. 錯譯

Low breasting the foliage the sky loomed black. 與原文有出入

The river is bright with the moon at our side. 有出入

(W. J . B. Fletcher) (1919)丁等




未找到譯題

While my little boat moves on its mooring mist , 有出入

And daylight wanes , old memories begin. . . 記憶不是愁。客﹑新﹐漏譯。

How wide the world was , how close the trees to heaven ! 是“野”﹐不是世界。

And how clear in the water the nearness of the moon ! “人”字漏譯。

(Witter Bynner) (1920)丙等




未找到譯題

At dusk I moored my boat on the banks of the river ; 大有出入

With the oncoming of night my friend is depressed ; 錯譯

Heaven itself seems to cover over the gloomy trees of the wide fields. 錯譯

Only the moon , shining on the river , is near man.

(Arthur Christy) (1929)丁等




未找到譯題

I move my boat and anchor in the mists off an islet ;

With the setting sun the traveler's heart grows melancholy once more. 太不簡潔

On every side is a desolate expanse of water ;

Somewhere the sky comes down to the trees 有出入

And the clear water reflects a neighboring moon. 有出入

(Soame Jenyns) (1944)丙等




未找到譯題

Moving boat , mooring , smoke-shore. 三者間的聯繫未表達

Sun darkening : new sadness of traveler. 簡潔

Wilderness , sky lowering trees. 錯譯

Limpid river : moon nearing man. 有出入。再看看這句的主謂語情況如何。所以不懂別以為什麼都懂。

(translator unknown)(1975 ?)丙等




未找到譯題

Boat moves to moor mid shore-smoke. 有出入

Sun sinks. Traveler feels fresh sadness. 簡潔。

Wilderness

     Sky

       Low trees 表達不清。這句不是更明顯嗎﹖

            Limpid river

Moon nears man. 表達不清

(translator unknown)(1975 ?)丙等




未找到譯題

A boat slows , moors by beach-run in smoke. 有出入

Sun fades : a traveler's sorrow freshens.

Open wilderness.

Wide sky.

A stretch of low trees. 表達不清

Limpid river.

Clear moon close to man. 表達不清。

(translator unknown)(1975 ?)丙等




A Night Mooring on Jiande River “宿”字漏譯

My boat is moved to moor by misty islet sands; SANDS多餘

There comes again at dusk my gloom in foreign lands. 原文沒異鄉的說法

The sky drops down below treetops in wild expanse; 錯譯

On lucid stream the shadow of moon kisses man's. 有出入

(王大濂)丙等




A NIGHT-MOORING ON THE JIANDE RIVER “宿”字漏譯﹐因為宿指人﹐泊指舟

While my little boat moves on its mooring of mist,大有出入

And daylight wanes, old memories begin……後半譯錯

How wide the world was, how close the trees to heaven,“野”不是世界

And how clear in the water the nearness of the moon!有出入

(translator unknown)丙等




Mooring on the River at Jian De “宿”字漏譯

My boat is moored near an isle in mist gray, “移”字漏譯

I'm grieved anew to see the parting day. 後半多餘。“日暮”漏譯。

On boundless plain trees seem to touch the sky;

In water clear the moon appears so nigh. “人”字漏譯

(許淵沖)丙等




本人譯文“

Lodge on Jiande River

Moving the boat to moor at the misty shoal,

As sun's setting, the tourist has new sorrows.

With fields so vast, the sky seems as low as trees;

With river so clear, the moon looks to me so close.







6) 評王維“送元二使安西”10 種英譯﹕




渭城朝雨浥輕塵﹐客舍青青柳色新。勸君更盡一杯酒﹐西出陽關無故人。


A Song At Weicheng 有的版本題為“渭城曲”

A morning-rain has settled the dust in Weicheng; “輕”字漏譯

Willows are green again in the tavern dooryard 原文無again﹐也未說在dooryard

Wait till we empty one more cup – 意思有出入, “勸君”漏譯

West of Yang Gate there'll be no old friends. GATE無關隘之意

(Witter Bynner )丙+




A POEM OF DEPARTURE 錯譯

Light rain is on the light dust 漏譯“渭城”

The willows of the inn-yard

Will be going greener and greener,應該一行。意思有出入

But you, Sir, had better take wine ere your departure, 意思有出入

For you will have no friends about you--ABOUT YOU 多餘

When you come to the gates of Go. 意思大有出入

(Ezra Pound) 丁等




Poem of Farewell 錯譯

Morning rain on Wei's city 不需 's

Falls in the soft dust. 應該一行。Falls 與“浥”意思不同

Green. The courtyard willows.

Green leaves. The newest. 漏譯“客舍”﹐結構按排不妥

But you must drink deeper. DEEPER什麼意思﹖

Again, one more cup? 不用﹖號

Out west where you go 漏譯“陽關”

What friendship there? 不該用問句

(translator unknown) 丁等




Seeing Yuan the Second Off on a Mission to Anxi不是Mission

A morning shower in Weicheng has settled the light dust;

The willows by the hostel are fresh and green;

Come, drink one more cup of wine, “勸君”漏譯

West of the pass you will meet no more old friends. “陽”字漏譯

(translator unknown) 乙-




Wei City Song

Wei City morning rain 結構不妥 dampens the light dust.

By this inn, green, newly green willows. (這是外國人譯的﹐句中也沒謂語。凡認為譯詩裡必須句子完整的同志看一下)

I urge you to drink another cup of wine;

West of Yang Pass, are no old friends.

(Mike O'Connor) 乙-




Song of Wei City

In Wei City, morning rain dampens light dust.

Around the inn, green on green--new willows fresh.

I urge you, drink down one more cup of wine.

Out west, past Yang Pass, you'll find no old friends. 可簡潔

(translator unknown) 乙+




Good-bye to Yuan the Second on His Going 有出入

In Wei city the morning rain has settled the light dust

At the inn it is green with the new willow leaves

I beg you to drink down another cup of wine

You're going out west of the frontier “陽關”漏譯

and you have no friend there. 不簡潔。該作一行。

(translator unknown) 丙+




Seeing off Yuan'er on a Mission to Anxi 不是Mission

Morning rain dampens the dust in Weicheng

New willow catkins turn an inn green 原文無catkins之意。後半錯譯

Drink one more cup of wine my friend

West of Yang Pass there's no one you know 意思略有出入

(Bill Porter) 丙+




Song of Wei Town (Farewell to Yuan Er on His Mission to Anxi) 不是Mission

Morning mizzles in Wei Town, its dustiness cleansed so clean, 不必重復

Green, oh green are the taverns in the willows' new-born sheen. 可簡潔

To wine, my friend, I urge you: one further cup we will drain, for 可簡潔。FOR 不應放這裡

West beyond the Yang Pass, old friends will no more be seen. 可簡潔

(黃宏發) 丙等




A FAREWELL SONG 無此中文題

No dust is raised on pathways wet with morning rain;太嚕囌。pathways多餘。漏譯“渭城”

The willows by the tavern look so fresh and green.

I would like to ask you to drink a cup of wine again;不簡潔。

West of Sunny Pass no more friends will be seen. SUNNY用錯。至少該用名詞。

(translator unknown) 丙-




本人譯文

See YuanEr Off To Be Prefect in Anxi

The morning rain in Wei Town moistens light dust;

The inn looks green amid willow trees fresh.

I beg you to take one more cup of wine,

For West of Yang Pass, no old friends seen.

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7) 評(唐)李涉“登山”2 種英譯

終日昏昏醉夢間﹐忽聞春盡強登山。因過竹院逢僧話﹐又得浮生半日閑。

Climbing a Mountain

All day I feel lost as drunk or in a dream 是醉夢間﹐不是“或”

Then I hear spring is over and force myself to climb 不是“強迫”﹐是“勉強”

Passing a bamboo courtyard I meet a monk and talk

And spend another afternoon beyond this floating life “閑”字漏譯。半日未必是下午。BEYOND何意﹖

(Bill Porter)丙等


Mountain-Climbing

All the day long living in dream or drunk in wine, 是醉夢間﹐不是“或”

I force myself to mount when end the spring days fine. 不是“強迫”﹐是“勉強”

Passing by the temple I talk with monks with pleasure, 是“竹院﹖”﹐不是廟

Again I pass half a day of my life in leisure.

(translator unknown) 丙等


本人譯文﹕

Clamber the Mountain

I'm drowsy between drunk and dream for all day long;

Manage to climb the mountain, hearing spring is gone. MANAGE才是正確的詞

As passing bamboo yard, I meet and talk to a monk,

And get in floating life another half-day's leisure.


8) 評(唐)張繼“楓橋夜泊”7 種英譯﹕

月落烏啼霜滿天﹐江楓漁火對愁眠。姑蘇城外寒山寺﹐夜半鐘聲到客船。

Anchored Overnight at Maple Bridge

Crows caw the moon set frost fills the sky 中間應該用逗號

River maples fishing fires care-plagued sleep 中間應該用逗號。FIRE指燈火不妥

Coming from Cold Mountain Temple outside the Suzhou wall--WALL多餘

The sound of the midnight bell reaches a traveler's boat 整首詩不夠簡潔

(Bill Porter) 乙




Moored for the Night by the Maple Bridge

The moon is down, ravens caw, a frostiness fills the sky;

By the riverside maples and fishing lights, sad, insomnious I lie. 原文沒失眠之意

Beyond the walls of Gusu City, where Hanshan Monastery stands,

Bong, goes the bell at midnight to touch the boat of the passer-by. 整首詩不簡潔

(黃宏發) 乙-




題缺

The crows crying, the moon lost in the frost-sky, 何來LOST之意

Asleep I feel sad with the maples in fishing light. 不確切

Outside Gusu the Cold-Hill Temple stands upright,--UPRIGHT多餘

Her bell tone reaching my boat at mid-night.

(朱曼華)丙等




A Night Mooring by the Maple Bridge

The moon drooped low and crows cawed in the frosty sky,

Staring at riverside maple trees and lights on fishing boats is my melancholy sleeplessness. 太長。原文無失眠之意

From the Cold Mountain Temple in the Suzhou environs

Came the midnight toll all the way to visitors' boats telling time. 不簡潔。不是喪鐘﹐telling time多餘

(南緯28°) 丙等




A NIGHT-MOORING NEAR MAPLE BRIDGE

While I watch the moon go down, a crow caws through the frost; 不確切

Under the shadows of maple-trees a fisherman moves with his torch; 錯譯

And I hear, from beyond Suzhou, from the temple on Cold Mountain, 不簡潔

Ringing for me, here in my boat, the midnight bell. 鐘非為我敲

(translator unknown) 丙-




Maple Bridge Night Mooring不能用中文詞序

Moon set, a crow caws, frost fills the sky,--SET缺S

River, maple, fishing-fires cross my troubled sleep. 不能這麼譯的

Beyond the walls of Su-chou from cold Mountain temple,

The midnight bell sounds reach my boat.

(Gary Snyder) 丙等




MOORING BY MAPLE BRIDGE AT NIGHT

At moonset cry the crows, streaking the frosty sky;

Dimly lit fishing boats 'neath maples sadly lie. 不是船LIE

Beyond the city walls, from Temple of Cold Hill 漏譯姑蘇

Bells break the ship-borne roamer's dream and midnight still. 不確切

(translator unknown)丙等




本人譯文﹕

Anchoring by Maple Bridge at Night

The moon sets, crows caw and frost all over the sky;

With riverside maples, fishermen's lamps, I sleep in woe.

From Cold Mountain Temple outside City Gusu,

Comes the midnight bell to the traveler's boat.



9) 評(宋)王安石“梅花”3 種英譯

牆角數枝梅﹐凌寒獨自開。遙知不是雪﹐為有暗香來。

Plum Blossoms

There are a few plum trees in the corner of garden; 不一定是園牆角

They bloom alone in the struggle against severe cold. 原文沒STRUGGLE之意

You know from far they're white blossoms instead of snow 不確切

Because of their faint fragrance flowing through the air. 太不簡潔

(曾沖明)丙等


Plum Blossoms

A few plum twigs at the corner of the wall 用TWIGS不妥

Blossoming all alone, defying the cold!

Even from afar they cannot be mistaken for snow,

For a delicate fragrance comes wafting with the breeze. 原文沒提風

(文殊、王晉熙、鄧炎昌) 丙+


MUME BLOSSOMS----MUME?

At the wall corner mume trees grow;

Against the cold they bloom apart.--APART用得不確

How could we know they are not snow?原文不是問句

For fragrance unseen they impart.唯一可取是簡潔

(translator unknown)丙+


本人譯文﹕

Plum Blossoms

At a wall corner some plum trees grow;

Alone against cold their blossoms blow.

Aloof one knows they aren't the snow,

As faint through air soft fragrances flow.



10) 評(唐)王昌齡“閨怨”7 種英譯

閨中少婦不知愁, 春日凝妝上翠樓。 忽見陌頭楊柳色, 悔教夫婿覓封侯。

IN HER QUIET WINDOW 不確切

Too young to have learned what sorrow means, 不確切

Attired for spring, she climbs to her high chamber.

The new green of the street-willows is wounding her heart 亂譯

Just for a title she sent him to war. 不確切

(translator unknown)丁+


SORROW OF A YOUNG 不確切

Nothing in her boudoir brings sorrow to the bride;表達不妥

She mounts the tower, gaily dressed, on a spring day.

Suddenly seeing the willows green by the roadside,

How she regrets her lord seeking fame far away!是覓封侯﹐不僅是名望

(translator unknown)丙等


Remorse in a Boudoir

The young noble lady never knows any sorrows;--NOBLE多餘

Gaily dressed in spring, she looks through windows. 後半錯譯

She suddenly regrets goading her man to hunt fame

When she catches sight of green wayside willows. 行序顛倒了

(來自“唐詩宋詞英譯”)丙等


Bedchamber Regret

There was a young woman in her bedchamber who had not a thing to worry, 太不簡潔

On a spring day she dressed up to visit a fine edifice. 是登樓

A sudden glance of fresh willowy banks on the wayside 不簡潔

Made her regret ever urging her husband to pursue high office. 不確切

(南緯28°)丙等


Regret 漏譯閨字

A lady fair that nothing knows of care 顛倒不妥

In bright array

On a springtime day 不能如此分行

Mounts to the tower of her leaf-emerald bower. 後半多餘

Sudden she sees the wayside willow trees 該用SUDDENLY

In light hues clad:

And her heart is sad, 這兩行多餘

She bade her lord win glory of the sword. 不確切

(John Turner )丁等


In the Spring 題錯譯

Within the peaceful chamber, no care the maid oppressed; 不簡潔

Until the verdant Tower she climbed one springtide, gaily dressed. 不需UNTIL

The stir of sprouting foliage beyond the street she saw. 前半錯譯

Regret she'd sent her love to fame rose swelling in her breast. 後半不知所云

(W. Fletcher)丁等


Sorrow of a Young Bride in Her Boudoir不簡潔

Nothing in her boudoir bring sorrow to the bride, 不確切, 該用BRINGS

She mounts the tower, gaily dressed on a spring day,

Suddenly seeing the green willow by the roadside,

She signs for her husband seeking fame far away. 是SIGH吧。覓封侯呢﹖

(許淵沖)丙等


本人譯文﹕

Remorse in Boudoir

The young wife in her chamber who knows no sorrow,

Mounts emerald tower, dressed fully on a spring day.

All at once she sees the green of roadside willow,

Regrets letting her man seek marquisate far away.



11) 評(唐)王翰“涼州詞”6 種英譯

葡萄美酒夜光杯, 欲飲琵琶馬上催。 醉臥沙場君莫笑, 古來征戰幾人回。

A SONG OF LIANGZHOU

They sing, they drain their cups of jade, 亂譯

They strum on horseback their guitars. 亂譯

Why laugh when they fall asleep drunk on the sand ? 是沙場﹐不是在沙上。不是問句

How many soldiers ever come home? 不確切

(translator unknown)丁等


STARTING FOR THE FRONT 錯譯

With wine of grapes the cups of jades would glow at night;夜光杯是一個名詞。錯譯

Drinking to pipa songs, we are summoned to fight.原文沒有SONG。錯譯。

Don't laugh if we lay drunken on the battleground!君字漏譯

How many warriors ever came back safe and sound?古來漏譯

(translator unknown)丁等


Song of Liangzhou

A grape wine so fine, a cup that gleams at night;後半錯譯

To drink on I'd love, but for the call to fight. [Let's drink and be merry! Guitars on horseback invite.(revised 7.2.11)] [To drink and be merry, the pipas on horseback invite. (revised 8.2.11)]都譯得非常不確切

Jeer not, oh sneer not, if in battle drunken I lie; [Jeer not, oh sneer not, if in battle drunk I lie;(revised 4.2.11)] [Cheer not, oh jeer not, if in battle drunk I lie; (revised 8.2.11)]不是IN BATTLE。這是低級錯誤。

How many, we soldiers, ever came home all right?漏譯古來

(黃宏發)丁等


A REASON FAIR 亂譯

'Tis night: the grape-juice mantles high in cups of gold galore; 亂譯

We set to drink,-- but now the bugle sounds to horse once more.是馬上催﹐不是催上馬。

Oh, marvel not if drunken we lie strewed about the plain;不確切

How few of all who seek the fight shall e'er come bank again!不確切。整首不簡潔

(Herbert A. Giles)丁等


Liangzhou Verses

Fine red wine glitters in a jade chalice that glows in the night, 後半錯譯

Before I could drink it come lyre notes giving orders to mount the horse. 是馬上催﹐不是催上馬。錯譯

Laugh not, I pray you, at my tipsiness that may see me fall drunk on the battlefield, 太嚕囌

For how many have been able to return in the history of war? 不確切

(南緯28°)丙-


題缺

Wine of the grape from the cups that glow in the night 後半錯譯

We long to drink but the pipa urgently summons. 後半錯譯

If we lie drunk on the battlefield, don't mock us friend:

Since the old days, how many fighters ever got back? 不夠簡潔

(高農﹑張仲良)丙等


本人譯文﹕

A Verse Of Liangzhou

The delicious grape wine in gleaming Night-Hue Cups;

About to drink, the lute played to urge by players on horses.

Don't you laugh, if drunken we lie down on the battlefields,

For since old time how few return alive from wars!

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12) 評(唐)李白“黃鶴樓送孟浩然之廣陵”5 種英譯


故人西辭黃鶴樓, 煙花三月下揚州。 孤帆遠影碧空盡, 惟見長江天際流。

A FAREWELL TO MENG HAORAN ON HIS WAY TO YANGZHOU 不確切

You have left me behind, old friend, at the Yellow Crane Terrace, 不確切

On your way to visit Yangzhou in the misty month of flowers; 是在三月

Your sail, a single shadow, becomes one with the blue sky, 盡字沒譯出來

Till now I see only the river, on its way to heaven. 是長江。流字漏譯

(translator unknown)丁等


SEEING MENG HAORAN OFF AT YELLOW CRANE TOWER 漏譯“之廣陵”

My friend had left the west where the Yollow Crane towers,錯譯

For River Town green with willows and red with flowers.亂譯

His lessening sail is lost in the boundless blue sky,不夠確切

Where I see but the endless River rolling by.亂譯

(許淵沖)丁等


At the Yellow Crane Tower to Bid Meng Haoran Bon Voyage to Guangling

At the Yellow Crane Tower, my friend, to the west you said goodbye; 後半錯譯

In this misty, flowery glorious spring, downstream for Yangzhou you ply. 是三月

A speck, a silhouette, your solitary sail, toward the verdant hills receding, till 亂譯。

My eyes but descry the grand Long River, rolling to the verge of the sky. 亂譯

(黃宏發)丁等


Seeing Meng Haoran Off from Yellow Crane Tower 漏譯“之廣陵”

At Yellow Crane Tower in the west

My old friend says farewell;應該是一行

In the mist and flowers of spring是三月

He goes down to Yangzhou;

Lonely sail, distant shadow,

Vanish in blue emptiness;不確切

All I see is the great river是長江

Flowing into the far horizon.

(來自中國文學出版社所編資料)丙等


A Farewell Song to Meng Haoran at Yellow Crane Tower漏譯“之廣陵”

From west Crane Tower my friend is on his way 不確切

Down to Yangzhou in misty, flowery May. 是三月

A sail's faint figure dots the blue sky's end不確切

Where seen but River rolling till its bend.不確切

(王大濂 譯)丙-


本人譯文﹕

See Meng Haoran off to Guangling in Yellow Crane Tower

To Yellow Crane Tower in west my friend now says goodbye,

And heading down for Yangzhou in misty and flowery March.

The distant shadow of a lonely sail's melting into the end of blue sky,

Seen only the Yangtze River flowing under horizontal arch.



13) 評王昌齡“出塞”3 種英譯

秦時明月漢時關, 萬里長征人未還。 但使龍城飛將在, 不教胡馬渡陰山。

OVER THE BORDER

The moon goes back to the time of Qin, the wall to the time of Han, 不確切。見下面分析

And the road our troops are traveling goes back three hundred miles 錯譯

Oh, for the Winged General at the Dragon City -- 不確切

That never a Tartar horseman might cross the Yin Mountains! 不很確切

(梧桐鳳舞)丙-


Out of a Frontier Fortress 不確切

The same moon and the same pass as in Han and Qin, 見下面分析

Yet fighters from afar have not chalked up a win.不確切

Would that the Winged General Li were now still 翻譯裡不能這樣分行

Living, to drive Hun horsemen off Mountain Yin!不確切

(陳君朴)丙-


Over the Border

The same moon of ancient Qin also shined on the same fort of historic Han, 不確切。見下面分析

Hardly any made a return from thousand-league marching expedition.

If only the Winged General of Han were around to fight the township of Basilisk, 不簡潔

The barbarians and their horses would never have dared to cross the Mountains of Yin. 不簡潔

(南緯28°)丙+


本人譯文﹕

Across the Pass

Under the moon of Qin or at the pass of Han,

Those, fighting myriad miles away, not return yet.

The "flying" general of Dragon City, if still here,

Wouldn't let Tartar cavalry cross Mt. Yin.

說明﹕秦時的明月與漢時的關之間應該沒什麼直接關係﹐它們都與下句有關。說明在不同時代不同情況下﹐都有人萬里長征而未還。第三句可以譯成﹕If the flying general of Dragon City were still here, He wouldn't let ... 但現在譯文更簡潔。雖然省掉了were﹐沒人會誤解這不是虛擬句。要譯得比這個更簡潔恐怕不可能了。所以翻譯只要達意即可﹐決不必拘泥於一般語法規則。詩有自己的規律。



14) 評王之渙“出塞”2 種英譯

黃河遠上白雲間, 一片孤城萬仞山。 羌笛何須怨楊柳, 春風不度玉門關。

BEYOND THE BORDER

Where a yellow river climbs to the white clouds, 不確切

Near the one city-wall among ten-thousand-foot mountains, 不確切

A Tartar under the willows is lamenting on his flute 錯譯

That spring never blows to him through the Jade Pass----TO HIM 多餘

(translator unknown)丙-


Over the Border

The Yellow River into the clouds winds and undulates, 不確切

One lone township lies among towering mountain ranges.

Why play the lamenting Willow Ballad on your Jiang flutes,

When you know the Gate of Jade spring and barrenness separates. 不確切

(南緯28°)丙+


本人譯文﹕

Across the Pass

The Yellow River looks far up in white clouds,

The single town among hills myriad feet high.

Tartar flute mustn't play plaintive tune of "Willow Snapping",

Since the spring wind never crossing the Jade Gate Pass.

總結﹕本人收集評論了許多中外人士翻譯的古人詩﹐也看到過許多譯詩﹐雖然沒有全部收集評論。本人只能對這些譯詩得出如下結論﹕按簡潔確切達意原則看﹐基本沒有能達到這個標準的譯詩。還沒有談及節奏感問題。要把古人詩詞英譯好﹐得有兩個條件﹕對古人詩詞須有深切造詣﹔對英文寫譯要有較高水平。現在看到的譯詩至少反映出﹕要麼對古人詩的理解不透﹐要麼英文寫譯水平不夠﹐才會出這樣那樣的問題。有的簡直按自己的意思亂譯﹐與原文意思大相徑庭。像這樣譯詩﹐豈非褻瀆古人﹐誤導後學。自上一代教授學者謝世之後﹐中國這方面人才已經青黃不接﹐人才斷代。這一代的教授學者都去做什麼了﹖不好好進修﹐提高水平。現在可見的水平只是一般性基礎性的。而網上所見﹐屬於熱鬧性玩耍性的。就是書面出版物也是功利性吹捧性的。沒有了嚴肅性上進性。是不可嘆孰可嘆歟。如果對此有不同見解﹐請勿只說些攻擊性的空話廢話。請拿出高水平的作品﹐無論詩詞古文寫作翻譯﹐英語詩文寫作翻譯﹐以改變本人對目前普遍低水平的印象。

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下面是古文英譯評析﹕

1) 評范仲淹“岳陽樓記”5 種英譯﹕

(譯詩已經評論了好幾次。現在收集幾篇古文翻譯來分析評論。詩與文章寫法不一樣﹐翻譯當然也不一樣。老實說﹐翻譯古文比翻譯詩詞難多了﹐假定兩者都無語言障礙﹐即都在譯者可理解的範圍內﹐因而譯文的好壞就只反映譯者的英文表達水平。翻譯原則當然仍是要求簡潔確切達意。還要注意語氣的銜接﹐閱讀時的節奏感。)

慶歷四年春,滕子京謫守巴陵郡。越明年,政通人和,百廢俱興。乃重修岳陽樓,增其舊制,刻唐賢、今人詩賦于其上,屬予作文以記之。

予觀夫巴陵胜狀,在洞庭一湖。銜遠山,吞長江,浩浩湯湯,橫無際涯;朝暉夕陰,氣象萬千;此則岳陽樓之大觀也。前人之述備矣。然則北通巫峽,南極瀟湘,遷客騷人,多會於此;覽物之情,得無異乎?

若夫霪雨霏霏,連月不開;陰風怒號,濁浪排空;日星隱耀,山岳潛形;商旅不行,檣傾楫摧;薄暮冥冥,虎嘯猿啼;登斯樓也,則有去國怀鄉,憂讒畏譏,滿目蕭然,感極而悲者矣。

至若春和景明,波瀾不驚,上下天光,一碧萬頃,沙鷗翔集,錦鱗游泳,岸芷汀蘭,鬱鬱青青。而或長煙一空,皓月千里,浮光躍金,靜影沉璧,漁歌互答,此樂何極!登斯樓也,則有心曠神怡,寵辱皆忘,把酒臨風,其喜洋洋者矣。

嗟夫!予嘗求古仁人之心,或異二者之為。何哉?不以物喜,不以己悲。居廟堂之高,則憂其民;處江湖之遠,則憂其君。是進亦憂,退亦憂;然則何時而樂耶?其必曰:先天下之憂而憂,后天下之樂而樂歟!噫!微斯人,吾誰與歸!時六年九月十五日。

Yueyang Pavilion “記”字漏譯
In the spring of the fourth year of the reign of Qingli, Teng Zijing was banished from the capital to be governor of Baling Prefecture. After he had governed the district for a year, the administration became efficient, the people became united, and all things that had fallen into disrepair were given a new lease on life. Then he restored Yueyang Pavilion, adding new splendor to the original structure and having inscribed on it poems by famous men of the Tang Dynasty as well as the present time. And he asked me to write an essay to commemorate this.

慶歷如作年號處理﹐前面不用reign一詞﹐如指皇帝﹐須用Emperor Qingli。翻譯要中規中矩﹐不能處理不當。滕不是流放﹐不能用BANISH一詞﹐用詞錯誤﹐須用DEMOTE。Prefecture的長官應該是Prefect。越明年﹐說NEXT YEAR就行﹐不必這麼長的句子。不能簡潔表達﹐說明水平問題。政通者﹐政事上下溝通無阻礙。人和者﹐人們之間和睦相處沒矛盾。此處翻譯未確切。“記”字指“記敘”﹐不是“記念”。最後三詞多餘的。

Now I have found that the finest sights of Baling are concentrated in the region of Lake Dongting. Dongting, nibbling at the distant hills and gulping down the Yangtze River, strikes all beholders as vast and infinite, presenting a scene of boundless variety; and this is the superb view from Yueyang Pavilion. All this has been described in full by writers of earlier ages. However, since the lake is linked with Wu Gorge in the north and extends to the Xiao and Xiang rivers in the south, many exiles and wandering poets gather here and their reactions to these sights vary greatly.

第二個洞庭無必要重複。銜遠山以下四句﹐語氣應該承上而來﹐中間不該斷句。凡英譯中斷句者﹐皆未得古文之精要。nibbling不是銜之意。strikes後太嚕囌。“朝暉夕陰,气象萬千”漏譯。遷客不是流放者。用詞不當。最後句原文語氣沒譯出來。

During a period of incessant rain, when a spell of bad weather continues for more than a month, when louring winds bellow angrily, tumultuous waves hurl themselves against the sky, sun and stars hide their light, hills and mountains disappear, merchants have to halt in the travels, masts collapse and oars splinter, the day darkens and the roars of tigers and howls of monkeys are heard, if men come to this pavilion with a longing for home in their hearts or nursing a feeling of bitterness because of taunts and slander, they may find the sight depressing and fall prey to agitation or despair.

結構安排尚可﹐唯沒與原文對應。又不夠簡潔。if men come to 沒有“登斯樓也”的語氣。且come to不是登之意。感極而悲者矣﹐沒譯確切。

But during mild and bright spring weather, then the waves are unruffled and the azure translucence above and below stretches before your eyes for myriads of li, when the water-birds fly down to congregate on the sands and fish with scales like glimmering silk disport themselves in the water, when the iris and orchids on the banks grow luxuriant and green; or when dusk falls over this vast expanse and bright moon casts its light a thousand li, when the rolling waves glitter like gold and silent shadows in the water glimmer like jade, and the fishermen sing to each other for sheer joy, then men coming up to this pavilion may feel complete freedom of heart and ease of spirit, forgetting every worldly gain or setback, to hold their winecups in the breeze in absolute elation, delighted with life.

四字句譯法﹐在英文中用平行句才好。四字句沒譯確切。如before your eyes多餘。在DURING引導的短語後面﹐不需要用THEN一詞。長煙一空漏譯。靜影指水裡月影。沒譯出來。這裡的靜﹐不是SILENT﹐沒有聲音。是靜止不動之意。用詞不當。此樂何極﹐沒譯好。最後句語氣沒譯好。

But again when I consider the men of old who possessed true humanity, they seem to have responded quite differently. The reason, perhaps, may be this: natural beauty was not enough to make them happy, nor their own situation enough to make them sad. When such men are high in the government or at court, their first concern is for the people; when they retire to distant streams and lakes, their first concern is for their sovereign. Thus they worry both when in office and when in retirement. When, then, can they enjoy themselves in life? No doubt they are concerned before anyone else and enjoy themselves only after everyone else finds enjoyment. Surely these are the men in whose footsteps I should follow!

原文沒有AGAIN之意。“何哉?不以物喜,不以己悲。”翻譯不確切。in the government or at court重複了。in life多餘。文尾漏譯。總之﹕翻譯太平淡﹐沒有氣勢。不夠簡潔確切。以兩譯者之水平﹐不應如此。只能實事求是評之。

(楊憲益、戴乃迭)


Yueyang Pavilion“記”字漏譯
In the spring of the fourth year of the Qingli period, Teng Zijing was relegated to the position of the prefect of Baling. The following year witnessed a great change there in terms of the smooth conduct of government and the harmonious human relations as well as the resumption of a great many neglected undertakings. Thus Yueyang Pavilion was rebuilt on a scale larger than before and was graced with the inscriptions of the poems and rhythmic prose of the Tang and contemporary celebrities. I was requested to write something to mark the event.

意思還可以﹐但與原文不對應﹐失去原文氣勢。是重修﹐不是重造。措辭不當。“增其舊制”沒譯好。something用得很不好。

In my view, the grandeur of Baling lies only in Lake Dongting, which looks as if it were holding in its mouth the distant mountains and gulping down the Yangtse River. Boundless and marvellous, it presents in the morning sunshine and the evening twilight a most gorgeous spectacle. This is the general view from the pavilion, already described in full by our predecessors. However, since the lake connects with the Wu Gorge in the north and ends at the Xiao and Xiang rivers in the south, many demoted or banished officials and literati often gather here. Can there be no shades of difference in their feelings when admiring the scenery?

“浩浩湯湯,橫無際涯”漏譯。下兩句譯得不確切。banished多餘。

If the continuous drizzle does not let up for several months on end, one can hear the bleak wind howling and see the turbid waves surging to the sky. The brilliance of the sun and the stars are eclipsed and the shapes of the mountains and hills become obscured. The merchants and travellers are stopped on their way, staying in boats with declined masts and broken oars, while the light being so dim at dusk, one can fancy tigers' roars and monkeys' gibbers. So the ascent to the pavilion is associated with the nostalgia in exile and the fear of slanders and taunts. Confronted with such disconsolate scenes, one is apt to be moved to the extreme and feel much saddened.

霪雨比drizzle大。原文沒說staying in boats。原文沒說one can fancy。exile用錯。

As for the days when spring weather is mile and sunny, nature is lit with a bright smile, and the waves being halcyon, the sky and the lake are tinged with the same hue, making up an infinitely huge canvas of light blue, on which white gulls are hovering in bevies and fish shimmering with silvery scales. And the lake shores adorned with irises and sandbars dotted with orchids are all enshrouded in a sweet and lush green. Sometimes the broad firmament is clear of all mist, a bright moon shines over the vast lake gleaming with a golden glow, and the moon's reflection in the watery mirror reminds one of a sunken jade. And then the fishermen's songs are heard to be echoing one another. What an unbounded joy! In such a case, ascent to the pavilion gives one a broadened mind and eased heart, with credit and discredit both forgotten. Holding a winecup in the wind, one is overflowing with happiness.

第一長句意思可以﹐不夠確切。mile應該是mild之誤吧。第二句自由發揮太多。第三句太嚕囌。原文一氣呵成之處﹐譯文也須一氣呵成﹐中間不能斷句。

Oh, I have tried to probe the souls of the noble ancients. Their feelings might differ from the above two. Why? Because they were not glad of things adventitious, or sad for the sake of themselves. Positioned high at court, they worried about the people. Banished to remote regions, they worried about their sovereigns. Thus they were carefree in neither case. Then, at what time would they feel happy? They were sure to say: "Worry before all others have worried, rejoice after all others have rejoiced." Who should I emulate, if not people of this type?

原文首兩句是一句。譯文不能分兩句﹐方能顯出過渡連接水平。原文是兩者之為﹐不是兩者之感。所以用feelings不確切。不能用Banished一詞。Thus句失去氣勢。emulate一詞不確切。總之﹕簡潔確切達意都有差距。沒有譯出原文氣勢。

(謝百魁)


The Story of Yoyang Tower 不是Story﹐是“記”
In the spring of the 4th year of Chi'in_Li, T'eng Tzu Ching was banished from the court by being made Governor of Pa Ling prefecture. After one year order and peace was re-established and everything that had fallen into negligence was reinstalled. Then work was started to have the Yoyang Tower rebuilt and enlarged; and after poems of the worthies of the T’ang period and of our own contemporaries were engraved upon it, I was requested to write the story.

banished用錯。prefecture的長官是prefect。越明年﹐ 不是一年後。“政通人和”沒譯好。重修不是rebuilt。最後句譯得太馬虎。不是Story﹐是“記”。英文中一個寫作原則是不要頭重腳輕﹐即主語太長﹐謂語及後面成份太短。這就是為什么有先行詞IT等的用法。

In my opinion the chief feature of Pa Ling lies in this Tung Ting Lake. Immeasurable and boundless it adjoins the distant mountains and takes in the Yangtse River; and during fine morning and cloudy evening it presents ten thousand changes in its appearance. This is the grand view of the Yoyang Tower, of which former writers have left nothing unsaid. So north from the WU Gorges and south to the sources of the Hsiao Hsiang rivers most exiles and poets gather here; and how can they help being impressed with the changing views before their eyes?

“銜遠山----橫無際涯”譯得沒氣勢。“北通巫峽,南極瀟湘”說的是洞庭湖。但從翻譯看﹐似乎說的是遷客騷人來自這兩處。至於洞庭湖是否南接瀟湘的源頭﹐原文沒說。exiles用錯。最後兩句錯譯。非原文意思。

To illustrate, it may rain continually for months without a break, when the gloomy wind howls and the muddy waves threaten the heavens, the sun and the stars hide their faces and the mountains make no appearance, the traders halt in their journey, and sails fall and oars, break, it gets dark before the night falls, and the tigers roar and monkeys scream. If a man ascends the tower during such a season, he will feel homesick, apprehend calumny and fear criticism; and as he looks over the sad view, he will weep for extreme agitation.

To illustrate不是若夫之意。原文的四字排比句是一氣貫下的﹐英文翻譯不能中間斷句﹐但只用逗號分開句子﹐沒有適當的連接詞﹐氣勢不能貫下。當然﹐如果斷句就更不對了。agitation不是悲的意思。

But when the gentle spring returns with her congenial warmth, the scenery becomes clear and the waves are no longer frightful, the sunshine fills up the space up and down and all is blue over thousands of acres, the sand gulls fly together and the fine-scaled fish swim, the angelica on the bank and orchid on the islets are all luxuriant and blue; or when the expanse of the sky is free from clouds and the bright moon shines thousands of miles, floating lights glister like gold and the still shadows quiver like sinking precious stones, and the fishermen sing one to another with songs — there is no end to such joy! If a man ascends the tower during such seasons, he will feel his heart opened and his spirit delighted, forgetting both honour and dishonor, and when he faces the wind with wine-cup in hand his joy is overflowing.

“至若春和景明,波瀾不驚”句譯得不平衡。當原文是平衡的﹐譯文亦須平衡﹐才能達到文學性。“上下天光”譯錯。“靜影沉璧”錯譯。

Alas! I often find in ancient times men of benevolence think differently from both of these. Why is it? They neither rejoiced for external things, nor did they lament for themselves. When they were in high position at the court, they were concerned for the people; and when they retired to the remote rivers and lakes, they were concerned for the sovereign. They were concerned both while in office and out of office. Then when would they be joyous? The answer must be: "They would be concerned before the world became concerned; but they would be joyous only after the world became joyous." Alas! Whom should I follow but such men?

concerned both句意思沒表達好。WHILE多餘。concerned不是憂之意。文尾漏譯。總之﹕錯譯不少。且沒譯出原文氣勢。讀上去覺得平淡。

(潘正英)


The Yueyang Tower 漏譯“記”字
In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli (1), Teng Zijing (2) was exiled to Baling Prefecture (3) to be the prefect there. In the second year of his office, because of his excellent administration, people lived in peace and contentment, and all previous neglected matters were taken care of. The Yueyang Tower was renovated and enlarged, and inscribed on its wall were the poetry and the rhymed prose of learned men of the Tang and the present dynasty. I was invited to record this restoration effort in writing.

exiled用錯。第二句前半錯譯。“政通人和”指全國範圍﹐不專指這個地方。“增其舊制”譯得太簡單。最後句不簡潔。invited不妥。

The beauty of Baling centers round the Dongting Lake, which holds the mountain ranges in the distance and swallows the water of the Yangtze River. It is so vast and mighty that it seems boundless. Dazzling in the morning sun and fading in the gray evening mist, it affords a myriad of scenes. This is the magnificent view that the Yueyang Tower commands, of which many descriptions have been written. This beautiful scenic spot is linked with the Wu Gorge in the north and the Xiao and Xiang Rivers in the south. Exiled officials and poets often gather here. How could there be no difference in their feelings?

“予觀夫”漏譯。“前人”漏譯。Exiled錯用。原文連貫性被割斷。末句不完整。

In the rainy season, an unbroken spell of wet weather lasts for months. Chilly winds howl and turbid waves surge sky high. The sun and the stars lose their luster, and the mountain ranges are scarcely visible. Merchants and travelers have to put off their voyage, for the masts of the ships have collapsed and their oars broken. It is dark towards evening, and the roaring of tigers and the cry of monkeys can be heard. At such a time anyone ascending the tower will be filled with nostalgia for the imperial court and his home as well as fears of calumny and derision against him. Around him is a scene of desolation. Emotions well up in him so strong that he feels pain at heart.

第一句不簡潔。第二句好﹐簡潔達意。LUSTER指光澤﹐非“耀”之意。原文意思應該是“薄暮冥冥”之時﹐聽到“虎嘯猿啼”。譯文沒表達之間的關係。nostalgia句不確切。最後兩句也不確切。

In springtime it is warm and the sun is bright. The Lake is tranquil and it merges with the azure sky into a vast expanse of blue. The water-birds are playing, some fluttering in the sky, some gathering together on the sandbars. Fishes of varied hues are swimming merrily in the water. The sweet-smelling grass by the banks and the faintly scented orchids on the sandy beaches are lush and green. Sometimes, when the mist over the Lake vanishes, the glorious moon shines over the vast land, its brightness glistening with golden light on the lake. The reflection of the moon is like a piece of jade in the depths of the water. The fishermen's songs chime in with each other. How delightful they are! On ascending the Tower at such a time, one will feel spiritual uplift, caring for neither glory nor shame. With a cup of wine in the gentle breeze, he will enjoy the greatest happiness in life!

第一第二句不確切。後面兩句既不確切﹐又不簡潔。再後面同樣情況。

Ah! I have tried to study the minds of people of lofty ideals in ancient times. Perhaps they were different from the people I mentioned above. Why is this? The reason is that they were not thrown into ecstasies over their success, nor felt depressed over their failures. When they were in high positions at court, they were concerned about people. When they were in remote places, they were concerned about their emperor. They worried when they got promoted or when they were sent into exile. Then, when were they happy? They would say:"To be the first in the country to worry about the affairs of the state and the last to enjoy oneself." Alas! Who else should I seek company with save them?

lofty ideals非“仁”之意。“兩者”漏譯。reason句和worried句都不確切。exile用錯。兩個經典句子沒譯好。文尾漏譯。只有兩句比較精彩。可見質量不穩定﹐風格不統一。

(羅經國)

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The spring in the fourth year of Qingli (reign title of Emperor, Renzong of the Northern Song Dynasty), Deng Zijing was relegated to the post of Baling Prefecture's procurator. Next year, the government functioned well, the people were in their harmony lives and all neglected tasks were been undertaken. Then the Yueyang Building was renovated, increasing the original scale and carving on its wall with the poems and verses written by the Masters in the Tang Dynasty and contemporaries. I was entrusted with writing prose to record it.

篇首缺個IN。Prefecture怎會有procurator。應該用harmonious。been﹐語法錯誤。應該是being。這個錯誤太低級了。prose﹐用詞不妥。

I observed the wonderful scenery of Baling, which depends primarily on the great Tongting Lake. It looks as holding the remote mountains in mouth and swallowing the Yangtze River. It is so vast, mighty and boundless! Over the lake the sky appears bright at morning and overcast in the evening; the scenery is so spectacular and majestic as people's expected. Those are the grand sight around the Yueyang Building, which had made the descriptive complete records by the predecessors. However,the lake connects northward to the Wu Gorge and southward to the end of the Xiangjiang River; most of the demoted officers and dejected poets are gathering here. Could not their feelings caused by such scenery, be variable?

第一句主次顛倒。寫作原則之一﹕主要意思應該用主句表達。這裡斷句就斷掉了原文的貫串氣勢。looks as應該是looks like。原文無as people's expected之意﹐且's語法錯誤。which代指前面前面Building作主語是錯誤的。原文騷人前無dejected之意。不需進行時態。末句不確切。

Whenever the bad weather, the excessive rain is falling thick and fast, even lasting for the whole month. The chilly winds are howling hard and the turbid waves are rushing even up to the sky. The sun and stars lose their brilliance and the shapes of the lofty mountains are hidden. And then the business travels stop and the masts and oars of the sailing boats are collapsed. When the time is to the evening dark, tigers are roaring and apes are whistling. At that time, if people ascend to the top of this building,all kind of feeling, such as being apart from the capital, yearning for native lands, worrying to be slandered, fearing to be jealous of, and seeing everywhere almost sadly, may be touched off. Deeply moving to the extreme, sadness is inevitable.

第一句中既重複﹐又錯誤。不需進行時態。連月﹐不是whole month。When句不知所云。 feeling需用複數。譏﹐不是jealous of。

On the contrary, in the fine weather, the spring comes in bright sunshine and gentle breeze. The lake is without any terrifying rush and its color from top to bottom is as blue as the sky, as if the blue water is reaching far beyond the horizon. Sandpipers gather flying in the air and fishes play in the water. Fragrant grass and orchids growing up luxuriantly on the shore and sand-bank are blue and green. Sometimes the steam and smoke in the sky completely dissipated, and sometimes a bright moon hanging in the sky shines far away beyond almost a thousand li of distance. The floating beam of the Moon radiates a silver glittering upon the water. The quiet shadow of her mirrored in the water is similar to the sunken jasper under the water surface. The fishing songs respond with each other. How much joyful it is! At that tome, if people ascend to the top of this building,they may touch off the feelings of carefree and happy, and forget honor and disgrace, gain and lose. Facing the gentle breeze and drinking, full of joy is also inevitable.

第一句不確切。第二句太嚕囌﹐且不確切。steam用錯﹐且多餘。原文不需用Sometimes一詞。radiates----glittering? tome﹐想必是time之誤。末句不確切。

Ah! I have looked for the minds of the ancient people with lofty ideas. They were perhaps not alike both states as above mentioned. Why? They don't joy for substance and don't feel sad for themselves. When situated at the high post in the imperial court, they worried about people and when located at the corners far away the capital, they worried about the Emperor. Therefore, advance would cause them worrying and retreat would also cause them worrying. In that case, if I asked, "When they joy?" They had to say: "Worry should be before, and joy must be after those of the people." Alas! If there were not such spirited people, whom would I go together with ?

lofty ideas非“仁”之意。look for minds﹐不通。alike both states﹐錯譯。joy for substance﹐不通。away後須加from。進﹐退句英文不通。When they joy句中須加will。spirited多餘。總之﹕離開簡潔確切達意有一段距離。更不用說語勢問題。

This article was written on the 15th day of the 9th lunar month in the sixth year of Qingli (1046 A.D.)(王士杰)


本人譯文基本對應於原文
An Account of Yueyang Tower
In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli, Teng Zijing was demoted to prefect of Baling. The next year, political situation was favorable and human relationship harmonious; all projects neglected so far were resumed. Therefore, Yueyang Tower was under repair, and new designs were added to the old structure. There engraved on it were poems and essays of the sages of Tang Dynasty as well as of our contemporaries. Then I was asked to give an account of it.

I can see, well, that the beauty of Baling centers on Dongting Lake, which holds distant hills and swallows the Yangtze River, looking so huge and vast, and extending so wide and boundless(此幾句雖不簡潔﹐但構成平衡﹐並有節奏。考慮寫作的文學性), and with the glory of the morning and the gloom of the evening, so changeable in multi-aspects, this is the grand view from Yueyang Tower. Our ancestors already had a full version of it. However, as it connects Gorge Wu in the north and Xiao-Xiang rivers in the south, demoted officials and sentimental poets often gather here. Should there be no difference in their feelings when they're watching the same scenes? (如果譯成 In their feelings when watching the same surroundings, should there be no difference? 以對應原文﹐則英文不夠通順。翻譯必須雙向考慮。)

Well, when rains galore last for months at a stretch, when dismal winds roar in fury and murky billows surge skyward, when the sun and stars conceal their light and mountains hide their contour, when merchants cease their travel and masts of ships crumble and oars broken, when dusk descends, dim and dull, with tigers growling and apes crying, there are those, ascending this tower and eyeing scenes so depressing, who will harbor strong emotions and weep for leaving the capital and being away from home, and with fear of slander and mockery. (如果對應原文﹐譯成 there are those, ascending this tower, for leaving the capital and being away from home, and with fear of slander and mockery, while eyeing scenes so depressing, who will harbor strong emotions and weep.則英文不通順。所以還得雙向考慮)

But when spring is fine, scenes beautiful, and no waves on the water, when azure in the sky above, reflected in the water below, forms a myriad acres of blue, when gulls hover and gather on sands and fishes swim with glittering scales, when zhi herb on the bank and orchid on the shoal are so flourishing and green, or when there are no smoke and clouds in the sky with the bright moon shining over thousand miles, when floating light on the water glitters with golden specks and the moon cuts its calm image in the lake like a sunken jade, when fishermen sing in response to each other, how their happiness enjoyed to the utmost, there are those, ascending this tower, who will lift the wine cup in the wind, being jocund and carefree, jovial and complacent, forgetful of all favors or disgraces.

Alas! Once I tried to understand the mind of ancient virtuous men, who might behave differently from these two kinds of people. Why? They didn't delight in worldly things, or grieve for their own sake. They would worry for people at large as high officials at court. They would worry for their sovereign though retired to the far rivers and lakes. So they always had anxieties whether as courties or retired. Then, when would they be happy? They would say, "Grieve before all people under heaven grieve; enjoy after all people under heaven enjoy." Well, if not with such men, whom will I socialize (or: mingle)? Time of writing: on the fifteenth day of the ninth moon in the sixth year.

說明﹕所謂氣勢﹐在英文中當然不同於在中文裡。不能把原文裡的四字排比句的氣勢﹐來加于英文﹐而說英文中沒有氣勢。那就是外行話了。英文中的氣勢應該是﹕句子簡潔有力﹐節奏感強。當然﹐必須在確切達意的前提下。如果譯文與原文在意思上有一定距離的﹐如果譯文太嚕囌﹐如果譯文有不少錯誤或不妥處﹐就沒必要去談氣勢問題了。但如果有人朗讀不出其間之不同﹐那說明學英文時朗讀沒過關。不論寫中文英文﹐寫好後得朗讀幾遍﹐才能確定寫的好壞究竟如何。

有人說名人的翻譯不能批評。似乎批評了就顯得我不謙虛﹐傲慢自大。所以偶有個別網友以不切實際的惡言相詬﹐而無確切的分析說理態度。古人說“學無前後﹐達者為師”。我在評論時﹐根本不看譯者是誰﹐只看譯文本身如何。該批該贊純看譯文水平如何﹐不在乎譯者之名望。要搞學問﹐就得以此態度來探討。否則怎能提高學問﹐以期突破前人水平。難道要使原來的學術技能越來越失傳﹐每況愈下嗎﹖


2) 評(晉)陶淵明“歸去來辭”3 種英譯﹕

歸去來兮!田園將蕪胡不歸?既自以心為形役,奚惆悵而獨悲?悟已往之不諫,知來者之可追;實迷途其未遠,覺今是而昨非。舟搖搖以輕揚,風飄飄而吹衣。問征夫以前路,恨晨光之熹微。乃瞻衡宇,栽欣載奔。童僕歡迎,稚子候門。三徑就荒,松菊猶存。攜幼入室,有酒盈樽。引壺觴以自酌,眇庭柯以怡顏。倚南窗以寄傲,審容膝之易安。園日涉以成趣,門雖設而常關。策扶老以流憩,時翹首而遐觀。雲無心以出岫,鳥倦飛而知還。景翳翳以將入,撫孤松而盤桓。歸去來兮,請息交以絕游。世與我而相遺,復駕言兮焉求?悅親戚之情話,樂琴書以消憂。農人告余以春及,將有事乎西疇。或命巾車,或棹孤舟。既窈窕以尋壑,亦崎嶇而經丘。木欣欣以向榮,泉涓涓而始流。羡萬物之得時,感吾生之行休。已矣乎!寓形宇內復幾時?何不委心任去留?胡為惶惶欲何之?富貴非吾願,帝鄉不可期。懷良辰以孤往,或植杖而耘耔。登東皋以舒嘯,臨清流而賦詩。聊乘化以歸盡,樂夫天命復奚疑。

Returning Home

Let me go back home!

My fields will get desolate, “園”漏譯

Why not go back home?

Since I myself let my heart be a slave to my body,

Why should I be so full of melancholy?“獨”字漏譯

I am aware the past cannot be retrieved,

but the future can be repaired. --“repaired”不妥

In fact I have not gone too far astray.

Lightly my boat was rowed and rowed, --“rowed”非輕揚之意

and gently my gown by the wind was up rolled. 把衣之下襬吹得飄飄然﹐不是捲起來

I asked the passengers about the way ahead,

complaining the dawn was still faint over my head.最後三詞多餘

Discerning my humble hut,

I quickened my steps with delight.

Servants to welcome me all came out,

and children were waiting at the gate.

I found the garden paths were covered with weeds

while pines and chrysanthemums still survived.

I carried my children into the house by the hand, 攜幼﹐應是最小的。不能是children複數。

glad to see on the table wine cups were laid .

I raised the cup and drank the wine with my hand. “壺”字漏譯。最後三詞多餘。

watching my garden trees with pleasure. “怡顏”沒譯好

I leaned against the southern window, “寄傲”漏譯

I was content with my small hut, to be sure. “審”“容膝”都漏譯。最後三詞多餘。

In walking everyday in the garden I took pleasure.

A gate was provided, but it was always closed.

I walked with a stick, and took a rest whenever I felt tired.最後四詞原文沒有﹐不需加上

Occasionally I raised my head to look at the distant cloud, 未必看雲。蛇足。

which had no intention to float out of the mountain side. “雲”字應放這句裡

Even birds knew to return to the woods when they were tired. 原文沒說還哪裡

The day was getting dark and the sun began to set in the west side. 嚕囌

I caressed a lone pine tree and lingered around.“撫”想來只是把手按在上面。不會真的撫摸松樹。

Let me go back home

and cease to make social contact with the world outside.不最確切

Since world customs are at variance with my temper,

why should I go out to seek fame and fortune?“焉求”未必指名利

I should be pleased with my relatives' familiar looks, “情話”不是looks。

and I can amuse myself with music and books.“消憂”漏譯

Peasants will tell me spring is coming, 這句該用從句﹐不須will。

and they will be busy at farming. 將有事于西疇的應該是作者﹐並接下句。錯譯

I may ride in a curtained cart

or row a lonely boat.

I may follow a winding stream quiet and serene to arrive at an open valley clean. 嚕囌

I may also follow a rugged path to reach a hill-top at length. 非“經丘”之意

Trees are thriving and vigorous,

While springs flow murmuring and look marvelous.最後三詞多餘

I marvel; everything comes out at the right time,

and I lament: my life will draw to a close at any time.

Let it be! Let it be﹗

How long can I live in the universe?

Why not decide my fate according to my own wish?人不能自己決定命運的。錯譯

Where do you head for in such a hurry against your wish? 最後三詞多餘

Since wealth and honors are not my wish,

and the fairyland is out of reach,

I only wish to travel alone on a fine day;

or my stick on the roadside lay, and go to the field to cut hay.植杖不是lay﹐耘耔不是cut hay

Or climb up the eastern hill high To relieve a long sigh.“嘯”不是sigh

Or sit by a clear river side, composing poems worthy of my pride. 未必“坐”。最後四詞蛇足。

Let me abide by the law of nature to lead a life of nature.“歸盡”漏譯

Let me submit to the will of Heaven and be content with my fate forever!--“forever”多餘。
(譯者 未知) 除不妥處外﹐讀來鬆散﹐不簡潔。


題缺

Ah, homeward bound I go! Why not go home, seeing that my field

and gardens are overgrown? Myself have made my soul serf to my body: why have vain regrets and mourn alone? --overgrow只是長滿之意。沒“蕪”的確切意思。

Fret not over bygones and the forward journey take. Only a short distance have I gone astray, and I know today I am right, if yesterday was a complete mistake.

“來者”實際指未來歲月﹐非journey之意。

Lightly floats and drifts the boat, and gently flows and flaps my gown. I inquire the road of a wayfarer, and sulk at the dimness of the dawn.

Then when I catch sight of my old roofs, joy will my steps quicken. Servants will be there to bid me welcome, and waiting at the door are the greeting children.

Gone to seed, perhaps, are my garden paths, but there will still be the chrysanthemums and the pines! I shall lead the youngest boy in by the land, and on the table there stands a cup full of wine!這兩段應該是一路上的情景﹐不需用將來時態。

Holding the pot and cup I give myself a drink, happy to see in the courtyard the hanging bough. I lean upon the southern window with an immerse satisfaction, and note that the little place is cozy enough to walk around. --“seed”或是weed之誤。寄傲不是satisfaction。原文沒有walk around之意。

The garden grows more familiar and interesting with the daily walks. What if on one ever knocks at the always closed door! Carrying a cane I wander at peace, and now and then look aloft to gaze at the blue above. --WHAT句不確切。on或是no之誤。遐觀未必看天。

There the clouds idle away from their mountain recesses without any intent or purpose, and birds, when tired of their wandering flights, will think of home. Darkly then fall the shadows and, ready to come home, I yet fondle the lonely pines and loiter around. 將入﹐指日將入﹐不指人將回家。

Ah, homeward bound I go! Let me from now on learn to live alone! The world and I are not made for one another, and why drive round like one looking for what he has not found?

Content shall I be with conversations with my own kin, and there will be music and books to while away the hours. The farmers will come and tell me that spring is here and there will be work to do at the western farm. --LET句不確切。he has not found﹐原文無此說法。消憂不是while away the hours。原文沒說農人來告。“來”字多餘。

Some order covered wagons; some row in small boats. Sometimes we explore quiet, unknown ponds, and sometimes we climb over steep, rugged mounds. 原文中無主語之句﹐應該都指作者自己。不是some。壑不是ponds之意。

There the trees, happy of heart, grow marvelously green, and spring water gushes forth with a gurgling sound. I admire how things grow and prosper according to their seasons, and feel that thus, too, shall my life to its round. 原文沒有happy of heart之意。

Enough! How long yet shall I this mortal shape keep? Why not take life as it comes, and why hustle and bustle like one on an errand bound? --WHY句非原文確切意思。

Wealth and power are not my ambitions, and unattainable is the abode of the gods! I would go forth alone on a bright morning, or perhaps, planting my cane, begin to pluck the weeds and till the ground.

Or I would compose a poem beside a clear stream, or perhaps go up Tungkao and make a long-drawn call on the top of the hill. So would be content to live and die, and without questionings of the heart, gladly accept Heaven's will. 原文無of the heart之意。

(林語堂) 應該不會有理解之誤及表達不確切之處。只能下惋惜之評語﹐免致遭譏。

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Going Home太簡單﹐沒了氣勢

Going home! The land will soon lie in waste.

Why shouldn't I go home?

Since I willingly let my mind be enslaved by my worldly desires, 不簡潔﹐不確切

Why should I feel remorseful and sad?“獨”字漏譯

Knowing that what I did in the past cannot be redressed,

I can still retrieve my mistakes in the future;兩句不確切

I have not gone too far on the wrong path,

And now I am on the right path of today, not the wrong one of yesterday.

The boat is moving swiftly ahead with the wind blowing on my garment,

I ask the way from a passer-by and feel sad that there is yet only a gleam of early dawn.

The shabby house is in view in the distance,

I run happily towards it.

The boy servant comes forward to welcome me,

My youngest son is also waiting for me at the gate.

Though the paths in the garden have nearly been decimated,

The pine trees and the chrysanthemums are still there.

Holding the hand of my child, I walk into the house,

There on the table is wine prepared.“盈樽”沒表達

I take up the wine vessel and drink alone,

Enjoying the view of the trees in the garden.“怡顏”漏譯

I lean against the south window to indulge in my lofty meditations,“寄傲”沒表達好

Contented with the ease of living in a small house。

I find pleasure in walking in the garden every day,

Though there is a gate, it is closed all day.

With a staff I roam around, and rest whenever I feel the need,

And at times raise my head to look at things in the distance.

Clouds drift out aimlessly from behind the mountains,

Birds will return to their nests when tired.原文沒提到nests

It grows dim as the sun sets,

I linger, stroking the trunk of the solitary pine tree.

Going home! I will cut off all human relations.“絕遊”漏譯

Since the world is at odds with me,

What should I seek by driving out in a carriage?

I will have intimate talks with my kinsmen,

And forget my miseries by playing on the harp and reading books.

Country folks will come to tell me that spring has come, 原文無come to tell之意

And that farm work will begin in the western field.

I would either ride on a cart, or row a small boat,

Sometimes following a clear and deep stream that leads me to a valley,

Sometimes walking along a rugged and bumpy path that takes me over a hill.

Trees are growing boisterously,

Spring water is flowing smoothly.

I envy all things that enjoy the blessings of nature

And feel miserable that my life will soon be over.

Alas! How many more days can I live on this earth? “寄形”沒表達好

Why not take life as it is?

Why do I worry? What am I aspiring to? “何之”漏譯

I do not seek wealth and position,

Nor do I desire to live with fairies and gods. 後半譯得不好

I would go out alone on a fine day,

To cultivate farmland with my staff laid aside.植杖不是 laid aside

I would shout aloud on the top of the eastern hill,

And compose poems by clear streams.

Welcoming death as part of the vicissitudes of life,

I would be contented with what is willed by Heaven.

What else do I want?原文沒有此句。

(羅經國) 除了不確切外﹐大都句子不簡潔。


本人譯文﹐基本按原文表達順序而譯﹕

Home Hasten I

Oh, home hasten I! Why not return when fields and garden growing waste? Myself have made my soul the slave of my form, why regret and grieve alone? I realize that no bygones can be undone, but the future overtaken. I have, indeed, gone astray not far, and feel myself right at present, wrong in the past. The boat rocketh lightly and floateth along; the breeze gently wafteth and playeth upon my gown. I ask a passenger the way, and hate the dawn's still grey; and at the sight of my old roofs afar, my pace quickeneth with joy. The pages smile welcome; the children await me at door. Deserted are the garden-paths, but yet alive the chrysanthemums and pines. Taking my youngest I enter the room and see the cups overrun with wine. Holding the pot and cup, I give myself a drink, and glancing at the boughs in yard, my smile groweth broad. On south window I loll with the content of proud freedom and know my knee-holding abode full of leisure and ease. Daily stroll in garden is my pleasure and though the house hath a door, it is always shut. Carrying a cane I wander about or for a brief rest, and raise my head at times to have a long view. Aimlessly rise the idle clouds out of the dale and sensible of returning are the birds from weary flight. The dim dusk will soon fade, but I linger on holding a lonely pine. Oh, home hasten I! Let me cease any acquaintance and have no more journey abroad! Since the world and I have broken with each other, what I seek for if I go round again? With delight I enjoy the agreeable discourse of my family circle and indulge in lute and books to banish my sorrow. When peasants tell me that spring is come, I'll have doings on the western farm. Now I order a covered chaise and now take a single boat; sometimes far up to explore a winding valley and sometimes to drive over rugged mounds. The trees flourish and burst into leaf; the spring floweth in never-ceasing gurgling. I envy all the things in prosperity coinciding with seasons and feel my life is nigh to its end. Be it so! How long yet can I keep my mortal form in this world? Why not give up desires and leave them alone, and where am I to go restlessly? Riches and power are not my wish and God's paradise canth not be gained. On fine days I am out alone for a walk or planting my cane to pluck weeds and till ground. On eastern high spot I raise a long call, or by a clear creek weave my verse. I am satisfied to live and die in natural course, and happy with Heaven's will without doubts.


3) 評劉禹錫“陋室銘”4 種英譯﹕

(一句中文可有好多譯法﹐就算沒譯錯﹐亦以簡潔確切達意為佳。故以此為評論原則。)

山不在高,有仙則名。 水不在深,有龍則靈。斯是陋室,惟吾德馨。 苔痕上階綠,草色入帘青。談笑有鴻儒,往來無白丁。可以調素琴,閱金經。 無絲竹之亂耳,無案牘之勞形。南陽諸葛廬,西蜀子云亭。 孔子云:“何陋之有?”

An Epigraph in Praise of My Humble Home
A mountain needn't be high; It is famous so long as there is a deity on it. A lake needn't be deep; It has supernatural power so long as there is a dragon in it. My home is humble, But it enjoys the fame of virtue so long as I am living in it. The moss creeping onto the doorsteps turns them green. The color of the grass reflected through the bamboo curtains turns the room blue. Erudite scholars come in good spirits to talk with me, And among my guests there is no unlearned common man. In this humble room, I can enjoy playing my plainly decorated qin, or read the Buddhist Scriptures quietly,Without the disturbance of the noisy that jar on the ears, or the solemn burden of reading official documents. My humble home is like the thatched hut of Zhuge Liang of Nanyang, or the Pavilion Ziyun of Xishu. Confucius once said: "How could we call a room humble as long as there is a virtuous man in it?"

(羅經國) 首二句構成平行﹐結構處理較好。但太嚕囌﹐就沒了氣勢和節奏感。“草色”句﹐譯文說整個房間都青了﹐太誇張。應該是從內透過簾子向外看﹐一片青色。談笑與 in good spirits 有出入的。不確切。往來之意並非只指guests。不確切。In this humble room多餘。Scripture大寫就指聖經。這裡要大寫嗎﹖應該用noise﹐of後須用名詞。jar後應該加s﹐第三人稱單數。都屬低級語法錯誤。solemn多餘。“勞形”沒譯出來。Liang原文沒有。of應該改成in Nanyang。Pavilion後面需加of。後面的of也應改成in。總之﹐除了不簡潔﹐還有語法錯誤。當然談不上節奏感與氣勢。


AN EPIGRAPH FOR MY HUMBLE ROOM

A mountain has a fame not for its height, but for a deity being in it. A lake has a spirit not for its depth, but for a dragon being in it. My room, although simple and humble, is famous for my virtues. Here, moss kisses the steps, and green grass catches the eyes. Confabbing here are all erudite men but shallow people. Here I can play my undecorated qin (a Chinese zither), and read diamond sutra, neither interrupted by such noises as from those silk-string and woodwind instruments, nor exhausted by official documents. My room, famous for my virtues, like Zhuge Liang's Thatched Cottage in Nanyang and Ziyun's Pavilion in western Shu, is just described as Confucius said:"How can such a room be simple and humble?"

(Yan Linhai) 開頭兩句雖能用平行結構﹐但太嚕囌。spirit 一詞用錯。這裡不是指精靈﹐是指靈異﹐靈氣。“馨”不是famous。“苔痕”“草色”兩句有點亂譯。後兩句也亂譯。好的譯法至少應該用平行句﹐以對應原文。“金”指金櫃﹐藏佛經用的。金經代指佛經。不能用diamond﹐理解錯誤﹐因而用詞錯誤。總之﹐不簡潔﹐還有各種錯誤。


An Eulogium on a Humble Cell--CELL一詞不能指文中之陋室
A mount needs not be high; it becomes noted when on it fairies dwell. A body of water needs not be deep; it would be ensouled, if a dragon makes it its resting whereabouts. This hut of mine is a humble one, but I make it virtuously fragrant in repute. The green moss creeping on the stepping stones and the verdure in the courtyard peeing through the screen do tell the presence of spring. Here could be heard the table-talks and laughters of renowned scholars, but the rough and gross come not hither their wares to sell. Here plain table-heptachord could be plucked and golden classics read the worldly cares to quell. But there are without riotous strings and pipes to confuse the ears, and tedious official documents to ring quietude's knell.

Zhuge's recluse cottage at Nanyang and Yang Xiong's hermit arbour in West Shu, — according to Confucius, wherefore could either one of them be branded as a humble cell?

(Stephen, Tr. August 17, 1980) mount一詞現在基本用在山名前或詩中﹐這裡以mountain較妥。說明這位譯者對確切選用詞彙沒有概念。開頭四句原文就沒譯好。非但不簡潔﹐句間銜接也不好。resting whereabouts讀上去怪怪的。說明譯者還不懂詞彙的搭配問題。其後的翻譯就是亂譯﹐且嚕囌。已失去句句點評的興趣。總之﹐不及格。


Inscription For My Shabby Hut
Mountains need not always be high, They're famed if therein fairies abide. Waters need not always be deep, They'e hallowed where dragons are spied. This is a simple, mean abode,

Only my virtue lends it fragrance. Moss smears a fringe of green upon The stone steps forming the terrace; And peering through the screen, there throbs The emerald of the lush grass. Great scholars drop in casually, And talk and laugh in abandoned ways; While in this cordial company Nonentities have ne'er a place. The ancient zither we might play, Or golden-lettered scriptures peruse. No concert bands our ears confuse, And no official files await Our tackling—to excruciate. To Zhuge's cottage at Nanyang, Or Ziyun's pavilion in Sichuan, mine may well be compared. So, as Confucius once had said, "How could it be considered mean?"

(孫大雨) hallowed非靈之意。forming the terrace多餘。不知為什麼草要用動作詞來做謂語。in abandoned ways形容過度﹐原文無此意。golden-lettered指金(經)﹐理解錯誤。總之﹐不簡潔﹐結構不對應。不是好譯。在我以往的評論中﹐常發現有些名人的翻譯也有不足之處。想來他們的英文應該已經達到了高水平﹐可能他們沒以認真嚴肅的態度來對待經典詩詞古文的翻譯。


本人英譯﹕
Eulogy on My Humble Abode
Known will hills be if fairies dwell, no matter high or low; and charmed 有靈異 will waters be if dragons lurk, no matter deep or shallow. A humble abode though this is, my virtues make it smell sweet. Verdant are the stonesteps overgrown with moss, and green seems the screen as the grass seen through it. I chat and laugh only with great scholars and have no intercourse with the ignorant. I can play simple zither and read Buddhist sutras; no string and bamboo instruments to grate on my ears and no government documents to weary my mortal form. That's what like Zhuge's cottage in Nanyang and Ziyun's pavilion in Xishu as Confucius quoth, "How canth it be humble?"

自評﹕原文首四句這樣譯法﹐雖然不對應﹐但有氣勢﹐有較強節奏感﹐並且low 與shallow 押韻。現在按對應的譯法﹐在這裡補充一下﹕

Hills, no matter how high, will be known if fairies dwell. Waters, no matter how deep, will be charmed有靈異 if dragons lurk.

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4) 評(唐)李白“春夜宴桃李園序”2 種英譯﹕

夫天地者,萬物之逆旅。光陰者,百代之過客。而浮生若夢,為歡幾何?古人秉燭夜游,良有以也。況陽春召我以煙景,大塊假我以文章。會桃李之芳園,序天倫之 樂事。群季俊秀,皆為惠連;吾人詠歌,獨慚康樂。幽賞未已,高談轉清。開瓊筵以坐花,飛羽觴而醉月。不有佳作,何伸雅懷?如詩不成,罰依金谷酒數。

Feasting in the Peach-plum Garden in Spring Night 漏譯“序”字

The world is an inn for all creatures and time is a passing traveler of endless generations. The floating life is like a dream, and how brief the enjoyment is! Indeed, it was with good reason that the ancients made nocturnal excursions by bearing candle lights.

WORLD不是確切的天地之意。失去原文意趣。endless generations也不是確切的百代之意。如果說through hundred generations﹐較達意。不能簡潔﹐取其達意也可。為歡幾何?應是問句。表感嘆之意。

It should be indeed more so with us now that the sunny spring invites me with vapoury scenes, the big earth provides me with such a beautiful picture. Here we gather in the beautiful garden of peach and plum, and enjoy fraternal love. You younger brothers are all men of refinement and elegancy like Hwai Lien, but amidst singing and chanting I myself feel ashamed to be compared with Kang Lo.

一開始不夠簡潔。天倫不僅是fraternal﹐樂事不是love。不確切。

Before silent appreciation comes to the end, our lofty chat turns to puretalk. The ambrosian banquet is served amid the flowers, and the flight of the winged goblet makes us drunk under the moon. Without fine poems how can our refined taste be satisfied? If anyone fails to produce a poem, let him be punished according to the rule of the Gold Valley Garden.

(王宏印)


Entertainment Given in the Peach and Plum Garden on a Spring Evening漏譯“序”字

As regards heaven and earth, they are nothing but an inn for all living creatures. As regards time, it is nothing but a passerby in the long run of a hundred generations. Since our life is as fleeting as a dream, how long can our joy possibly last? Therefore, there are plenty of reasons for the ancients to amuse themselves at night, holding a candle in their hands.

首兩句不簡潔。原文無fleeting字樣。

The warm spring attracts us with her resplendent beauty dazzling in haze, and nature provides us with scenery of splendor and charm. Gathered in this fragrant garden full of peach and plum flowers in blossom, we talk to our hearts' content about family love and happiness. All my cousins are as handsome and talented as Xie Huilian. All of us compose poems and read them aloud, but I am ashamed of myself for being no match for Duke of Kangle.

起頭兩句再可簡潔。桃李園可能是個園名。如果說是長滿桃李之園﹐須有考證。這兩句與後面兩句都可簡潔。

While we are still quietly enjoying the beauty of the spring evening, the hearty talk shifts from lofty topics to lighter and elegant matters. A sumptuous feast is served in the midst of flowers. Having circulated the wine cups for many a round, we get drunk in the moonlight. Without good poems how can we give vent to our jovial feelings? Thus, if one fails to produce good poetry, he deserves to be punished by drinking three cups, as the ancients did in Jingu Garden.

羽觴漏譯。應譯成“罰依金谷酒數”。不能譯成罰三杯。兩者難易程度不同。總之﹐簡潔性也不夠。(羅經國)


我的譯文﹕
Preface to "Feast on Spring Night in Peach & Plum Garden"

Well, the sky and earth is the inn of all the things. Time is a passer-by through millenniums. The floating life is like a dream. How much pleasure can we indulge in? It is reasonable for the ancients to roam at night with candles in hand. Moreover, sunny Spring shows me the misty scenes and Nature gives me beautiful pictures. We meet in the fragrant Peach and Plum Garden and are enjoying the happiness of family union. All my brothers are handsome and learned like Weilian, but as I chant poems, I feel ashamed in comparison with Kangle. The silent enjoyment doesn't end yet, and our loud chatting becomes quiet. We hold the dainty feast among flowers, passing round feather-shaped cups, and get drunk under the moon. If no poems for the occasion, how can we express our poetic emotions? Whoever can't compose a poem will have the penalty to drink wine to the number adopted in Jin Gu Garden.


(南朝)江淹“別賦”的英譯﹐網上搜索﹐只有本人一個版本﹐可見所謂翻譯家不是中文程度太差﹐看不懂原文﹐就是英文太差﹐譯不來這麼高深的古文。所以也就沒有對比評析之可能。故將本人譯文附此以見其他翻譯家之無能。如有不服者﹐先把此文翻譯後﹐再找本人說話。否則﹐一概不予答理。抱歉。謝謝。


黯然銷魂者,唯別而已矣!況秦吳兮絕國,復燕宋兮千里。或春苔兮始生,乍秋風兮蹔起。是以行子腸斷,百感悽惻。風蕭蕭而異響,雲漫漫而奇色。舟凝滯於水濱,車逶遲於山側。櫂容與而詎前,馬寒鳴而不息。掩金觴而誰御,橫玉柱而霑軾。居人愁臥,怳若有亡。日下壁而沈彩,月上軒而飛光。見紅蘭之受露,望青楸之離霜。巡曾楹而空揜,撫錦幕而虛涼。知離夢之躑躅,意別魂之飛揚。故別雖一緒,事乃萬族。至若龍馬銀鞍,朱軒繡軸。帳飲東都,送客金谷。琴羽張兮簫鼓陳,燕趙歌兮傷美人。珠與玉兮豔暮秋,羅與綺兮嬌上春。驚駟馬之仰秣,聳淵魚之赤鱗。造分手而銜涕,感寂漠而傷神。乃有劍客慚恩,少年報士。韓國趙廁,吳宮燕市。割慈忍愛,離邦去里。瀝泣共訣,抆血相視。驅征馬而不顧,見行塵之時起。方銜感於一劍,非買價於泉裏。金石震而色變,骨肉悲而心死。或乃邊郡未和,負羽從軍。遼水無極,鴈山參雲。閨中風暖,陌上草薰。日出天而耀景,露下地而騰文。鏡朱塵之照爛,襲青氣之煙熅。攀桃李兮不忍別,送愛子兮霑羅裙。至如一赴絕國,詎相見期?視喬木兮故里,決北梁兮永辭。左右兮魂動,親賓兮淚滋。可班荊兮贈恨,唯樽酒兮敘悲。值秋鴈兮飛日,當白露兮下時。怨復怨兮遠山曲,去復去兮長河湄。又若君居淄右,妾家河陽。同瓊珮之晨照,共金爐之夕香。君結綬兮千里,惜瑤草之徒芳。慚幽閨之琴瑟,晦高臺之流黃。春宮閟此青苔色,秋帳含茲明月光。夏簟清兮晝不暮,冬釭凝兮夜何長!織錦曲兮泣已盡,迴文詩兮影獨傷。儻有華陰上士,服食還山。術既妙而猶學,道已寂而未傳。守丹灶而不顧,鍊金鼎而方堅。駕鶴上漢,驂鸞騰天。蹔遊萬里,少別千年。惟世間兮重別,謝主人兮依然。下有芍藥之詩,佳人之歌。桑中衛女,上宮陳娥。春草碧色,春水綠波。送君南浦,傷如之何!至乃秋露如珠,秋月如珪。明月白露,光陰往來。與子之別,思心徘徊。是以別方不定,別理千名。有別必怨,有怨必盈。使人意奪神駭,心折骨驚。雖淵雲之墨妙,嚴樂之筆精。金閨之諸彥,蘭臺之群英。賦有凌雲之稱,辯有雕龍之聲。誰能摹暫離之狀,寫永訣之情者乎?




Essay on Parting

by Jiang Yan of southern dynasties




What's most gloomy to the soul is the parting experience. Moreover, Qin and Wu are the remotest states. Yan and Song are a thousand miles apart. When spring moss begins to grow or autumn winds suddenly arise, travelers, therefore, will be heartbroken with all sorts of miserable emotions. Winds sough in weird sounds. Clouds spread wide with quaint colors. The boat's at the waterside, as if frozen there. The coach's at the hillside, as if hindered on the long journey. As the oar's deliberately rowed, how can the boat go fast? The horses neigh in cold ceaselessly. Cover up golden goblets; who cares for drink now? Put aside the zither; tears wet the front bar on the coach. Households at home lie in sorrow as if at a loss. Sunlight on the wall moves downward with its color sinking. Moonlight on the pavilion moves up with its brilliance reflected. When seeing red orchid bearing dews and perceiving green Chinese catalpa covered with frost, when walking round the high house shutting up emptiness and touching silk drapery feeling so cold, one can know the traveling person should be wandering even in the dream and can guess his parting soul should be hovering afar. Therefore, the feeling of parting is the same, but conditions are of thousands.


Having tall horses with silvery saddles and crimson coaches with carved axis ready, the host and the guest drink for parting in the tent outside east capital as if bidding the guest farewell in JinGu Garden, where zithers were played in a gloomy tune, fifes and drums on display, and heartbreaking songs of Yan and Zhao saddened beauties around, where pearls and jade gleam colorfully in late autumn and gauze and brocade show splendor in early spring, where horses alarmed by loud music raise their heads in chewing fodder and fishes with ruddy scales jumped high from deep creeks, and where tears were shed when parting and hearts broken when thinking of solitary journey.


There are swordsmen ashamed of not repaying those for their kindness and young knights intending to return favors as in events happening in Han Kingdom, in the lavatory of Zhao Kingdom, in the palace of Wu Kingdom and in the marketplace of Yan Kingdom. They either deserted their loved ones, or left their own countries, or shed tears in final farewell, or wiped bloody eyes staring at each other. They rode away at full gallop without looking back, only rising dusts seen in the wake. They wanted to repay favors using swords without intention of going to the nether world for any price in exchange. But when bells and drums boomed, the color on the face changed. The heart stopped beating at the death of her own flesh and blood.


If there is no peace on the border, people join army bringing bows and arrows. The Liao River is unlimited and Mount Yanmen towers into clouds. When the wind into the bower feels warm and the grass in fields smells sweet, when the sun rises in the sky so radiant and dews on the ground glitter with multi-tinge, when scarlet dusts mirror a brilliant tint and green mists look hazy and smoky, and just as hands are raised to hold branches of peach and plum trees, parting is very much unbearable, especially with a beloved one, tears wetting the gauze skirt.


As for departure for the remotest states, how can reunion be possible? Looking at tall trees in homeland and saying the eternal goodbye on the northern bridge, people around the parting person have their souls touched by distress, and friends and relatives weep bitter tears. They can arrange boughs on the ground to sit imparting their regret and show their sorrow by drinking wine. Just on the day when wild geese in autumn fly south and when white frost fall on earth, the parting person grieves and groans at zigzag spots among distant hills and proceeds on and on alongside the long river.


If you live to the west of Ming River and my home is located in Heyang, we bask in morning sun rays with jade on our dress and sit together round an evening brass incense burner. When you go a thousand miles away with a tied ribbon, it's pitiable for a fair herb to beget scent in vain. I feel ashamed facing the zither in my quiet boudoir and let the yellow silk curtain darken the high tower. Spring palace shuts out green color of moss; autumn canopy's steeped in moonlight; summer bamboo mat's so cool and the day turns to dusk too slow; the flame in winter lamp is like staying congealed and the night is so long. Weaving my song into a silky letter exhausts my tears in sobbing and writing a rondeau poem makes my lone self miserable.


If there's a Taoist on Mount Hua, who takes the elixir of life, he becomes an immortal. His talent is great, but he still studies. His art reaches a great stage, but not yet to the utmost. He keeps busy in making divine pills and ignores everything else. He's firm in determination to finish them in a brass cauldron. Then he rides on a stork into clouds or astride a phoenix to heaven. He can travel a myriad miles in a short time and has a brief separation as if a thousand years elapsed in the human world. Since mortals look upon parting seriously, he takes leave of the host lingeringly.


Under heaven there's a poem of Chinese herbaceous peony and a song of a beauty. There are girls in Sangzhong of Wei State and damsels in Shanggong of Chen State. When spring grass turns verdant and spring water ripples green, how can the anguish be endurable as seeing you off at Nanpu? When autumn dew looks like pearl and autumn moon like a round jade, when the moon is bright and dew is white, and when time comes and goes, I'm thinking of you again and again after separation from you.


Therefore, people involving in parting are of various sorts, and situations and reasons for parting are greatly different. If there's separation, there will be regret, full of regret, which makes people's will lost, spirit terrified, heart agonized and bone tormented. Even if there are superior articles of Yuan and Yun, and excellent writings of Yan and Le, or even if there are men of letters in JinGui and men of talent in Lantai, and even if there is the best essay like Lingyun or best repartee like in Diaolong, who has the ability of describing the current conditions of separation or depicting the feelings of eternal parting?

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